In a surprise move today, the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to Mrs. Dorothy Smith of Torbay, Devon, England.
Speaking from the garden in front of the white-stoned hotel she runs with her husband Alfred, Mrs. Smith graciously thanked the judges for her award. 'It certainly came as a bit of a surprise, though', she admitted, 'I don't do very much secret negotiating with the Israelis and Palestinians to broker peace deals between them, and you don't often see me being helicoptered into Londonderry to arrange ceasefires between the Republicans and Loyalists there.'
'And my word, I was too busy washing up the dishes to lead a UN peacekeeping force into the former Yugoslavia after it collapsed into civil war and genocide. But I did manage to get Mrs. Higginbotham to stop putting the rubbish out in front of Mr. Chemchenko's house on Thursdays.'
From Washington DC another Peace Prize winner, Barack Obama, sent his congratulations to Mrs. Smith. 'Let us say now with certainty', he announced from his own garden, 'that Mrs. Smith has shown the world that peace can be found, if we all try hard enough. And if it can't be found, or if there are no candidates for the next Nobel Peace Prize, heck, it'll just be awarded to any old token whose country is the world's largest arms manufacturer. And one that arms fascist countries to the teeth across the world.'
Some have suggested that the Nobel Peace Prize was long ago bought by the United States of America, who just choose whoever they feel like winning it regardless of any success in helping peace happen anywhere. 'Well', Mrs. Smith said, 'it does seem to have become a bit 'Americanised', doesn't it?'
'And a bit like the 'Time' magazine man of the year awards, you know, that have been given to Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein. If it wasn't the Americans giving those awards, people would think it was all just a great big black joke!'
It was a mystery to everyone why President Obama was awarded the Peace Prize, as his country is still illegally occupying parts of Iraq and Afghanistan, where the death toll continues every week thanks to his armies in those countries. Armies he promised to withdraw if elected, which he hasn't done. It would be like giving Adolf Hitler the Nobel Peace Prize while his soldiers illegally occupied most of mainland Europe.
'You can fool all of the people some of the time', Mrs. Smith said, 'and you can fool some of the people all of the time. But you can fool all of the Americans all of the time. Another slice of Victoria sponge?'
Next year Barack Obama will be given the Nobel Prize for Getting A Prize For Being An American President.