Atlanta, Ga/ Erectile Dysfunction Update - A smiling Georgia man, identified only as Dick from Valdasta, walked out of Civil Court this morning $9.25m richer after being awarded that sum for having to deal with a two (2) day erection after self medicating himself with a prescribed opium derivative to cure his ED.
Dick, who claims he was a normal man before he lost his job, said the emotional distress of seeing his 401 K dissipate, his household bills mounting, and his wife's uncontrolled spending on E-Bay for antique Mexican pottery and Obama Chia figures, had put him massive debt....his Master Card alone was at $35,000 carrying 27% interest charges...and could he 'no longer could get it up', and that included even the minimal payment.
Responding to a pop up ad on an internet porn page, Dick was directed to a local 'Joint Stiffener' Clinic on the outskirts of Atlanta, which promised to restore his virility 'painlessly' , 'miraculously' and 'hands free'.
Dick said he was administered one injection to his limp member, given an instruction pamphlet and a 6 month supply of one time needles and the miracle drug. According to the pamphlet, he was to inject his penis 3 times a week, and this is where, according to Dick, the trouble started. The first time he tried to inject his penis, the store clerk at the local 7-11 screamed at his advances and Dick fled before being apprehended.
Rereading the pamphlet after that horrifying experience, and with help from an English speaking African-American neighbor, Dick realized he was supposed to inject his penis USING THE ONE TIME NEEDLES CONTAINING THE DRUG! The injection contained Papaverine, an opium derivative used to increase blood flow, according to the instructions.
The directions also plainly stated that the injections were only to be done three times a week, and the needle was to be injected in separate places in the penis each time, so as not to cause possible side effects.
Dick's attorney, described by the defendants attorney after the trial as a real 'prick', said that the product 'caused penile scaring, and Priapism", and naturally induced personal suffering, humiliation, trauma, especially to his Common Law wife who his still in intensive care recovering from repeated Penile Injections.
Still to be adjudicated are the criminal complaints from neighborhood women who claim they were assaulted repeatedly by a neighbor " who seemed to have a rail road tie sticking out of his Adidas Shorts' when he barged into their kitchens demanding sex.
After the trial, which the defendant's lawyer said they would not appeal, since the publicity had spurred sales over 6,500 percent, for which they were able to treble their fees and expand their International Mail Order sales,especially in the UK, said it was clear that Dick had misused the product. Pictures of Dick's member, deemed unsuitable to be shown in court, clearly explain the problem in the 'before and after shots."
In Pictures taken at the clinic during Dick's first treatment, it clearly shows a staff attendant holding Dick's miniscule member in a pair of tweezers as a hooded Doctor administers the first injection with a 4mm needle.
"Obviously, ' said the defendant's lawyer, " with a dick that small, you would have trouble finding alternate spots to inject one self...as a result from numerous little pricks with the needle, inflammation and some scarring would result."
"The other outrageous claims result from his erection of 48 hours. During depositions it was revealed that the Plaintiff used up a whole 6 month supply of medication during one riotous weekend attending a futbol tailgate party which kicked off on Friday night, and didn't end till he was arrested in another 7-11 on Sunday night where he tried to pay the cashier with 'a quickie' for a six pack of Colt-45 Malt Liquor! Our instruction manual clearly states "ONLY USE RESPONSIBLY!'
According to the court, the finding for the Plaintiff was based on technical issues as the Instructional Brochure was only printed in English, did not have technical drawings, and was in very small print. The judge also advised, due to the civil verdict, he was directing that all criminal charges be henceforth dismissed, as the Plaintiff was clearly under the influence of a 'rogue' drug administered by the Defendant's Product.
Ricardo, alias "Dick from Valdasta" , is actually Ricardo Morales, recently from Salinas, California where a drought had caused the lettuce field where he worked to dry up forcing him to move to Atlanta.
When we caught up with a smiling Ricardo outside the courthouse, in broken English, he said he finally had enough money to return home to Mexico with enough cash to buy a few Federales, and set himself up in the drug business...."Beeeg Time." He was also planning to buy his new Mexican Girl friend a pair of registered Chingaderas to keep her company when 'he was on the road!"