Chicago, Illinois/ Late Breaking News from Secretary of Health,Education and Welfare - Attorney General Eric Holder, prodded by Obama to turn his attentions away from investigating the CIA, flew loudly into Chicago today to announce the President's answer to continued out of control violence involving Chicago's inner city's schools. The answer: MORE MONEY AND TOUGHER RAIL ROAD TIE CONTROL!
Holder said the last killing of a Chicago honor student by a band of warring gangs employing rail road ties showed that the government needs to control the blatant abuse of the lethal weapon.
Glossed over was the fact that in the first 8 months of Obama's presidency over 132 miles of rail road ties had been ripped up around most of the country's inner cities, and been traced directly to the more than 47 derailing of freight cars bringing back unsold dealer cars to Detroit. Most of the wrecked cars were salvaged by neighborhood gangs and turned in for cash during Obama's ' cash for clunkers program' for a huge profit at more taxpayer's expense.
In addition the use of the stolen rail road ties had been traced back to 545 liquor store robberies, 762 Home Invasions, 3211 Car Jackings, 12 rapes, and been used in shoring up the front doors and windows of 5,280 crack houses.
Over 10,500 rail road ties lie unclaimed in area pawn shops.
Holder said Congress was waiting to rush through a Rail Road Tie Control Bill as soon as it was drafted by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who said she might have to earmark an item or two concerning the purchase of up to now legal firearms currently being bought by petrified home owners trying to protect themselves from roving gangs of unemployed youth.
More importantly, Holder said, the President's message was that Chicago's school kids, where drop out rates are approaching over 50%, need a stimulus to get back in school and get an education. "You can't expect them to go to school for nothing," he said quoting directly from a teleprompter loaned to him for the occasion.
Quoting Obama again, he continued, " I have on this day, uh,um, decreed and ordered my uh,um, Secretary Tim.....Tim Geithner to release $75m in emergency educational stimulus funds...no hesitation, no waffling, but immediately or the education system in the US will fail by next Monday morning at 7:30 CST!
Holder then proceeded to announce the benefits:
- show up for first bell; $75
- check weapons at door/sliding scale: $25 for knife, $50 for handgun, $125 for rail road tie
- sit through the day without disruption: $250
"As you can see, ' said Holder, "President Obama wants to make it worth while for these kids to show up and try to learn!"
Other parts of the Educational Stimulus were to include having the teachers separated from the students with bullet proof glass partitions, free lunches slipped through steel access doors in the class room, and pee jugs supplied as no one was permitted a hall pass to take a leak during school hours.
Classes would also be sexually segregated, boys with boys and girls with girls. The girls would be allowed 30 minutes at noon to nurse their children being cared for in the schools day care, and 5 minutes to change nappies.
As news of the stimulus leaked out due to internet chatter, students began to line up outside all of the city's run down schools, waiting to be first to class the following morning. Said one student, Rachem 'Mau-Mau' Johnson, "this is a bigger line than at Wol Mut when they released the X-box, Dog!"
Rumors had already circulated to Detroit where thousands of residents had lined up to get what they thought were thousands of dollars of TARP funds as part of a multi million dollar release of free money. Most turned away and headed for Chicago after they heard in Detroit they had to qualify for the money by having at least some semblance of an honest job.
Holder closed his presentation saying, each of the students, in order to qualify for the stimulus payments will have to have a father present during the enrollment procedure. For those without fathers he said, "A surrogate ACORN father will be provided for you, and will become your mentor, and hold your money in escrow until such time that you can prove that you can handle a government handout prudently."
A flash from Chicago Human Services said they were flooded with calls from Chicago's dead beat dads, trying to get a last known address for their kids so they could re-unite and be 'a real family again!"