Written by Seb 'ODriscoll
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Topics: Sex

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

image for Fred Phelps In Bum Sex Scandal
The bum's identity is being kept secret for 'security' reasons

Hardcore Kansas Pastor Fred Phelps Sr. has become embroiled in a sensational bum sex scandal. The leader of the controversial Westbro Baptist Church is accused of bedding a bum on a recent trip to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where he was protesting at the funeral of a National Guardsman who died in a water-skiing accident.

The unnamed bum was begging for change outside of Dempsey's Funeral Home when the noted holy man appeared to take pity and decided to buy her a cup of coffee.

"I was a bit stand offish at first as he was welding a banner saying 'GOD HATES FAG WATERSKIERS', but then I saw his gold watch and leather shoes I thought 'what the hell, he looks like he could spare a Dollar'. I walked up and gave him a story about needing to catch a bus. I could tell he didn't buy it and for a moment I feared he might smash me in the ear with his sign, but luckily he just smiled and asked if I'd like to get a cup of coffee", said the bum who's identity is being kept secret until a British tabloid pays for the exclusive.

"We went to a Fat Joe's Coffee Shop two blocks away because apparently the Starbucks across the street was full of fags. Afterward we went back to his Travellodge where he offered me the use of his shower. It had been a few weeks since my last one so I thought: 'why not'. When I came out he was handcuffed to the bed, wearing only his watch and those leather shoes. I dropped my towel with surprise and..."

At this point the bum's publicist Max Clifford interrupted, instructing his client, "No one buys the cow if the milk is free baby".

The Phelps Family have refused to comment but issued a statement through their attorney Brent Roper. "We are appalled by these false allegations and will fight any besmirching of Fred's name. The liberal media are trying to turn Fred into a pariah but he is too well loved across our great nation to be thought less of through these lies. We are currently seeking a gagging order. There is no constitutional protection for gay liberals to go around hurting people with their crocked believes. God will protect us".

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