Written by Morse
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Wednesday, 7 October 2009

image for Japanese Airline First to Mandate Voiding Bladder and Bowels Prior to Boarding to Combat Global Warming!
Tubs of Shit Collected by Airline Security Staff at Tokyo Boarding Station!

Tokyo, Japan/ International Travel and Carbon Foot Print News - A Japanese international airline is the first to get on board with Al Gore's Cap and Tax mandate to cut down global emissions by demanding all passengers void both their bladders and bowels before embarking on any of their flights.

Rice Bowl Airlines, (RBA), an international carrier with direct flights to the Uk and Thailand, have completed a study showing that the average human bladder holds 15 ounces of urine which computed on a 150 passenger capacity translates into 63.7 Kg.

The Japanese Weights and Measures Division said assigning a weight to solid human waste has been more difficult as they have not yet come up with the right packaging to handle the sanitary weighing of human feces. A conflict has arisen amongst scientists over what size bag to use, the proper size opening for the bag, and whether it should be paper or plastic in order to keep within the tenants of Mr. Gore's 'all Green policies'.

The situation was resolved when an arbitrary weight was arrived at by educated guesses when they called in outside expertise from several sitting professors from Harvard college with years of experience in human waste calculations.

By taking a median average based on race, ethnicity, regional diet habits, average body weights, and discounting extraneous contents of the rectum such as condom filled heroin suppositories and the smuggling of endangered birds, rodents, and the popular Chingaderas, the Harvard professionals came up with a assigned weight of each 'dump' at 30 oz, or 127.4 kg for the same 150 passengers.

One reporter asked the RBA spokesman if this new procedure wasn't an intrusion into passenger's privacy.

Public Relations Vice President Hidelo Hyaguaya pointed at the newly constructed enema stations in the airline's departure gate and said inscrutably "NO SHIT!

The Japanese Flight Engineers Association has determined that with a good tailwind at 30,000 feet, the airline's twin engined 737s could shut off one engine after reaching cruising altitude and save 7 tons of aviation jet fuel on a trip to the UK.

"Wow," said one awed reporter, that's translates into a lot of carbon footprint!

"NO SHIT!" said Hyaquaya smugly.

The conference took place during the inaugural flight to Pattya, Thailand, where pained passengers were lined up to 'take the piss' and their enforced constitutional.

Nick Fun, a professional writer and frequent flyer seemed to be resigned to the new regulations. Fun said he was on his way to Pattya for a writers conference and to 'let off a little steam', and was philosophical.

"Hey, what can you do...my last trip they made me throw away all my carry on shit....this is just more of the same...wait till they stick a camera up your ass to see if you're holding anything back!"

The Japanese Export Minister is working on a new program to convert all human waste confiscated into to low grade fertilizer to be sold to South East Asian countries to increase the 'Brown Rice' production.

Even Hyaquaya was impressed, "NO SHIT!" he said in amazement.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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