Written by CEOaf
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Topics: Golf, Beach

Sunday, 1 August 2004

image for Pebble Beach CA - Wealthy Arabs and Islamic Scholars visit the Wellness Resort to discuss Golf - Par
Who owns one third of Israel?

Recently many Muslim intellectuals from all over the world were invited to the Wellness Resort to discuss golf, not just the wealthy - an Arab consortium had recently purchased the resort. It took a couple of days of serious non-golf related debate to sort out who was to be sent packing and who would be the founding members. Some blows were exchanged. All intellectuals who found the ownership of such a resort offensive were sent packing immediately. As it turned out many of these troublemakers were professors at American and British universities. It was pointed out by one of the more prominent Arab members that ‘how could you take people who had their salaries paid by so called infidels seriously - the Wellness Resort had two of the finest golf courses in the world and that is why he put up 30% for its purchase, and that these fools should be shot, then sent home in a cardboard box littered with broken golf clubs,' some strong feeling there.
So they set about to discuss several pressing problems. One of these issues was clothing, not all that serious, but still it was a hotly debated lunch topic. After a brief food-tossing incident, it was concluded that traditional Arab garb should be made optional - no handicap - all founding fathers were emphatic about that point. If a member was dumb enough to wear bulky clothing on the golf course, that was his right but no new handicap systems were to be developed. In fact, one day after a heated lunchtime exchange, it was decided the word handicap was to be temporarily omitted from the Wellness Resorts' golf lexicon - to be brought up at next years annual meeting - no explanation was given.
Daily worship for devout Muslim golfers created another slight problem. A decision was made not to place special mini mosques on the course. When it was time to worship, the middle of the fairway should be fine. Those non-Muslim golfers playing behind devout groups should just play through the hole if they saw prostrate golfers in the middle of the fairway. The prostrate golfer should be considered part of the course, so if a ball bounced off one of the prostrate worshipers and ended up in a bunker or water hazard - well that was bad luck.
One of the more serious problems discussed on the practice greens was the lack of Arab golf professionals. It was suggested by one of the founding fathers that all members of the PGA tour should be given the option of honorary Arab citizenship and that would solve the problem immediately. The members of the LPGA were not to be offered this option. There was an asterisk at the bottom of the fax sent to the PGA that said. "It would be nice if your members converted to Islam." To date, six PGA members have signed on to do seminars at the Wellness Resort and all have been happy to accept the honorary Arab citizenship. Some day this might come in handy. None of the pros wanted to discuss conversion to Islam.
Of course the question of alcohol in the clubhouse did come up and was again, hotly debated. There was no middle ground here. Those who did not imbibe were banned from the clubhouse. All the founding fathers - those with the money - enjoyed an alcoholic beverage after a round of golf. They had been educated in the States and Britain and had grown accustomed to a cold beer, bottle of wine or whiskey after a round and saw no reason to change their adopted habits.
Some might question the motives of a group of wealthy Arabs purchasing the golf related Wellness Resort, almost an icon for western civilization. After several months of investigative research your not so bright columnist has discovered that this Arab consortium is busy buying up a lot of western icons; including baseball, basketball and hockey teams, and minority positions in many of the lesser know PGA Golf Courses. Through minority positions in many companies, by my calculation, it appears that this group will eventually own one third of the real estate in Israel. And so it goes at the Wellness Resort.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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