The remains of missing UK hippy tree hugger Lesley Mandleson has been found today in the Amazon rainforest where he was attempting fend to off illegal logging by tying himself to trees.
Rescue worker Fidel Ramerez said, "Ok, this guy (26, beard) was a worthless 'long hair' with no job, by the way, how did he afford to get out here? Anyway, we wasted time and money on this search and it's as we feared, he was eaten by trees, absolutely pointless."
The three day search found nothing but torn clothes and part of Lesley's face and beard.
The alarm was raised by fellow grimy 'I'm making a difference' waste of space social leach Claire Pillary (22, no beard but has armpit hair and rampant pubes) who said, "Suddenly there was a scream and then he was gone. The tree I was tied up in began to move and make creaking noises, it was terrifying!" It was only her newly veneered teeth that saved her as she rat girled herself free and raised the alarm.
UK Tree surgeon Cliff Turnbull says, "You think trees are easy going creatures but if you catch them on a bad day it can be very dangerous.
"Trees in the Amazon are different from the domesticated English tree which will usually only spit you out, resulting in some scratches or a broken pelvis. Cats however are vunrable; they are small and easily digested with any left overs being eaten by birds."
The UK Minister for Dickheads Overseas commented, "This is really pointless behaviour from people who are dumb and inexperienced. Either the logging firms shoot them with guns or the trees eat them, why don't the just fuck off, come back to England, have a fucking shave, get a job and contribute to society instead of wasting everyone's time!
"Leave it to professional organisations like Greenpeace who are really making a difference!"