Laredo, Tx/ Homeland Security Update on Drug Wars - In a biological and law enforcement experiment gone terribly wrong, the once violent streets of Laredo, Texas are all but deserted when the sun sets as the few remaining Anglo residents fear for their life.
Reacting to increasing drug terrorism 24/7 on the streets of the formerly laid back Texas town, Home Land Security head Janet Napolitano and Professors from the University of Texas, Benton, decided on a radical eradication experiment to stamp out drug dealers and the lethal killing it brought.
Also contributing was newly minted Puerto Rican Supreme Court Judge Sonja Sotomayor who had life threatening experiences herself while growing up.
The experiment? Trap and bring to Texas 250 rare and deadly Chupacabras, noted for their ferocity and feared by most Mexicans and Spanish Speaking persons anywhere. Over 2000 verified Chupacabra mutilations have been documented in Puerto Rico, where Sotomayor had a close encounter with one after a late night disco session in the old town. Eye witnesses said the Chupacabra took one look at the wild eyed pant suited, Justice, turned tail and ran away howling in the night.
Despite warding off her lone attacker, Napotalano and Sotomajor agreed drastic measures were needed to once again clean up the streets of Laredo.
Rounding up 250 terrifying Chupacabras from the desolate rain forest of Puerto Rico was no easy task, and required pain staking stalking, and the proper bait. In addition to mutilating it's prey, the Chupacabras, nicknamed
'goat sucker' leaves 2 precise puncture wounds on its victims neck, and the bodies drained of all blood.
Big Game Hunter Frankie 'pappa' Hummingjob, with interested observers Able Rodriquez acting as interpreter, and famous master baiter Hal A. Peno setting the traps, soon acquired the dreaded predators.
After a quick flight to Texas, the avid killers were let loose in neighborhoods with known crack houses, tattoo parlors, gang activity, graffiti art, and high school truants.
Within days, the body count mounted, drug sales and violence was down, and the high schools were overcrowded with students willing to do anything their teachers asked just to stay off the streets.
Within two weeks, the drug problem was gone, but the Chupacabras were still there!
Reacting to the threat, 3 mail carriers, a school bus driver, and a Jehovah's witness were severely attacked, a natural 'green' solution was again proposed.
The only known predator of Chupacaras is the Maine Coyote, some say a cross between the eastern coyote and the Canadian Red Wolf, created during a lab expriment at the University of Maine by former undergraduate Stephen King.
The Maine coyote is known to be fearless and will not tolerate another predator in it's territory.
Relying on another taxpayer grant, 500 Maine Coyotes were brought in and in short order had eliminated the last remnants of the Chupacabras, although some were spotted in The Pacific Heights region of San Francisco licking their wounds and relying on hand outs from PETA volunteers.
Meanwhile, in Laredo, another problem developed. With nothing to eat the coyotes were now cleaning up the neighbors cats, miniture schnauzers, maltese, Jack Russells and even pricey labradoodles, much to the dismay of pet lovers everywhere, but to the relief of weekend cyclists.
Through a nation wide fundraiser author Stephen King raised enough awareness and money to once again round up the coyotes and bring them back to their native land where they subsisted on wild blueberries, rabbits, trout, and the occational wayward Massachusetts hiker.
Meanwhile, back in Laredo, 'mad' veternarian Doctor Victor Nicholas is taking credit for cross breeding a Chupacabra and a Maine Coyote, down sizing the gene package in the laboratory and creating a new 2 pound lovable pet craze sweeping the state and known as the "Chingadera."
Said Pet Lover Abel Rodriquez in awe, "Cada dia se Aprende algo nuevo!"