Former American President George W. Bush - not to be confused with George H. Bush - today announced that he has given away his beloved poodle, after nothing could be done about its lack of spine.
Tono, a Yuppy Malteser poodle, had been spending all day following Mr. Bush round the White House for years, yapping and begging for titbits, and lying down and rolling over when ordered to, but his wife Laura said the dog had been treated for depression after finding it difficult to come to terms with being fired as mascot by the British Labour Party, and being despised by the British public.
Used to flying round the world for years at taxpayers' expense to do nothing except make yapping noises and do what George Bush told him to do, Tono gradually lost use of his spine, and after 8 years of ownership his owner secretly bought a new poodle called Gordon, and gave Tono away to the London School of Hugh Grant Impersonators, where he became their own mascot.
Mr. Bush showed the High Grant impersonators how to make the poodle seem like it was talking like a human, by holding its jaws and moving them so that when the dog barked it sounded like 'Weaponsh of mash dishtruction', and 'Yesh shir no shir three bagsh full, Mishter Bush, shir'.
But the new owners of George Bush's poodle may regret giving such a spineless pet a new home. One, Sir Hugh Grunt, said 'Well, um, haha, er ... OK, yah. Um, heh heh, look, er, I mean - well, what more can I ... um ... say?'
But in a desperate bid to get back its spine, Tono suddenly ran off to the EU circus and walked backwards in front of the Commissioners there, while playing 'Ode To Joy' on a harmonica, banging a pair of cymbals between its hind legs, and balancing a barrister and two weapons of mass destruction on its nose.
And returned dejectedly to the London School of Hugh Grant Impersonators, as the EU already had enough performing animals and clowns. 'Good boy', a Mrs. Hazel Bleary-Memories said to the poor dog, once more spineless, 'later I'll read you a nice book, 'How To Lie Compulsively Then Retire And Try And Make Money Out Of Once Being Famous', by your former owner, George W. Bush.'
'How do you feel now?' 'Rough!', replied the dog, and was promptly booted out into the garden by Miss Cherie Very-Wellpaid.