Written by Rodd Justice
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for How to Prevent Car Jacking
Keep one in your glove compartment

How to protect yourself, and your property, from the So Squalid Crew.

Step 1: Keep aware at traffic lights and other road junctions for suspicious blacks with their eyes on your nice things.

Step 2: When the rotter gets around to car-jacking you, wind your window down further. Yes, further - but make sure your post-Gabriel Genesis CD is turned up very high. This will put off the robber, but will also clear all nearby traffic if turned up loud enough.

Step 3: If your Rolex is stolen, then stop and think. Should I be wearing a £50,000 piece of show-off time-keeping, when a small, subtle £5.99 one will fulfil the exact same function, without you looking like a pompous elitist moron?

Step 4: Renounce the class system by tooting your horn four times, yelling "smash the state."

Step 5: Open fire on the robber (you may wish to use your gun/crossbow for this), and don't let him get away with any limbs functioning. Although this is very criminal, the right-wing tabloid press, who'll support you wholeheartedly through your court case, will applaud you, but within minutes of your conviction, you'll be yesterday's news.

Step 6: Rot in prison for 10-15 years, becoming bitter and twisted. Develop a drug habit, and learn how to make a pulveriser out of a bedpost and a brick. Spend every night crying yourself to sleep, mumbling "I'm innocent, I tell you?"

Step 7: Ignore steps 1-6 (I say this for legal reasons).

Make Rodd Justice's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 4?

5 18 20 9
56 readers are online right now!

Go to top