Written by Liam_1959
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Topics: Research, Irish

Friday, 30 July 2004

Previous measures of exposure outdoors have proven false, when compared to research studies recently completed at Irish Scientific Labs, Inc. Old findings were measured from how much sunlight hits flat surfaces.

The Solar UV Index is a system developed by the World Health Organization to help people realize the potential of becoming hot when outdoors. It has used horizontal surfaces to measure the sun's UV rays from which the solar index can be estimated.

Irish researchers decided to apply for a grant, and conduct new levels of study. The new studies involved measuring sunlight directly off the highly glistened bodies of voluptuous babes in bikinis.
Lead researcher, Patrick Angus O'Reily stated, "We were thrilled someone would pay us to do this". O'Reily appeared nervous during this interview and continually wiped his hands on his trousers. O'Reily went on to add that "They will describe their new measurements in New Irish Scientist".

Professor William Sean Wuthering-Heights said, "I was convinced it would be hotter outdoors than indoors, but it has been nice to conduct my research on the beaches of southern France". "I also have decided to document all subject matter with still and video photography".

Apparently, O'Reily and Wuthering-Heights plan to release a DVD and open a pay website next month.
But German researchers at Geo RiskNicht Research in Berlin say this underestimates levels hitting sloped surfaces. Gerhard Von Belching, of the Berlin PolyTechnikscher Schule stated, "I do not think the curves have been fully appreciated". Von Belching added, "I believe more attention should be paid to the breast and buttock areas".

Professor Manfried Hochstetter and his colleagues in Munich, agree a new type of monitoring system would better estimate UV exposure. Hochstetter's name is synonymous with the single thread Sling bikini, famous on beaches throughout the world. His new system will measured the UV radiation hitting 227 surfaces inclined at different angles at three different locations in the breast and buttock regions of female subjects.

Hochstetter and Von Belching will then analyse three year's worth of photographs that have been taken every two minutes. This will create a three-dimensional image of the human body, with the surface projected onto several large television screens. A live simulcast is also planned for the web.

The Church of England has already challenged the scientist, stating "The work they do is of the devil".
"And if they persist in this Satanic ritual, we'll have Father Michael Moore there with his camera crew".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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