Written by Liam_1959
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Friday, 30 July 2004

Boston, Massachusetts -- CNN's Tom the Foreman, was working on buffing the floors when filmmaker Michael Moore opened the door to the news trailer and announced, "Who has sins they want to confess"?

Foreman let the buffer handle go, asked a cameraman to join him and shot across the polished floor. Moore had wandered unannounced into the gated compound of trailers that serve as makeshift newsrooms for CNN's staff covering the DNC, which will be shown on NBC, ABC And CBS. Plans are to air the segment on BBC1 and Radio5 tomorrow.

Seconds later, Moore and Foreman were surrounded by cameras crews, producers and reporters packing microphones and tape recorders, all screaming for "absolution".

Foreman pressed Moore on his latest career move, Catholics and the media. And Moore pressed back, grilling Foreman on his role as a Christian and the purpose of the 7 Layers of Hell.

What follows is an excerpt of that very public confession:

Moore: People are grateful that I made this career move. Probably the most common thing people say when they leave the confessional isn't "I don't want to recite 75 Our Fathers", but rather "Will this be in a movie later"?

CNN's Tom Foreman: "Do you have any fear at all about taking some of the attention away from the Catholics here, who have their own plan for defeating the Protestants"?

Moore: "I think we all believe in the same God. I think we're all on the same page in the bible". "As I said last night, this is a very big revival tent and there's plenty of salvation for everyone".

Foreman: "Do you have any worry about becoming the very thing you decry in your movies; a celibate Priest who gets a lot of fame, a lot of money, and gets swept up by it all?

Moore: "Ha, Ha. That's a good question. You know, I'm still the same person I was when I was saved, ergo washed in the Holy H2O of Jordan".

Foreman: "You're not a registered Catholic, are you"?

Moore: I'm not a registered Catholic, no. I'm an independent Catholic, and I'm not a member of the Catholic Party. In Ireland you don't register by party. I did vote in the Church once".

Foreman: Who did you vote for?

Moore: Pope Gregory VIIXIIV. I always vote for whoever the CNN Catholic is on the ballot.

Foreman: An excellent political move.

Moore: "Pope Greg and I go way back".

Foreman: "But you haven't endorsed Pope John Paul either. Why Not"?

Moore: "No, I have not. I'm still miffed about George and Ringo being left out of the Papal nom de guerre". "I mean, there were FOUR Beatles".

Foreman: Isn't it because church politics in this country comes down to a choice between a Catholic and a Protestant, why not endorse Buddha?

Moore: "Because I don't think it's my job as a Priest to tell people to worship Buddha".

Foreman: "Wait, Wait, Wait! You've been telling them not to be Protestant, very actively".

Moore: "No, I think my Catholic movies say that". "Are you going to vote Protestant"?

Foreman: "We'll see".

Moore: "You mean you don't know if you're going to vote? You can't take that attitude. You're a Protestant, you must vote".

Foreman: "Yes, I am".

Moore: "Which means you have girly feelings".

Foreman: "Sure, of course. The difference is you're upfront about your Catholic feelings".

Moore: "I have to be, I'm a Priest, but you're not".

Foreman: "That's right, my job is to buff the floors and do interviews".

Moore: "But don't you think people have a right to know how you worship"?

Foreman: "Yes, I suppose maybe they do".

Moore: "And then as you worship as you do, you can make judgments about others, saying that they know Tom believes this way or that way. Correct"?

Foreman: "That's the whole argument for ‘new religion, but the argument I'm raising here is you're very actively saying to people, "Protestants are the bad guys." "You even described them today as clearly the bad guy in your movie".

Moore: "Yes, they are villains. But every movie has to have a villain. And I don't say that in the film. I just let the Protestants speak and read from children's books". "I mean the real villains are the Jews because they killed Christ".

Foreman: "But you have no intention of endorsing Mel Gibson either"?

Moore: "No. No. Nope. I just don't think that's my job. When Mel Gibson becomes the next Pope, that camera lens of mine is going to be pointed at him. Because that's my job, and he's the one in power and he's the one who has to be kept honest. I've never met the man; I don't really want to be anywhere near Rome, because I'm going to have to do my job come January".

Foreman: "Are you going to go to the Protestant convention"?

Moore: "Yes, I am. I already have my credentials".

Foreman: "How do you think you'll be received there"?

Moore: "I think I will be fine. Are you implying that Protestants are not nice people"?

Foreman: "No. I'm implying that you do not have a lot of fans here".

Moore: "I already have my credentials. And so do my 25 bodyguards. I'm a guest columnist for 'Catholics Today'. They'll be running my columns, by the way, because I'm also a hotshot Hollywood kind of Indie Film Guy. Got everything you need"?

Foreman: "Yes, thank you. And Erin Go Bragh".

Moore: Thanks and Pogue Mahone to you?

Asahi TV: Please excuse Father Michaels, may questions many we ask"?

Moore: "Uh,…who are you"?

Asahi TV: "Japanese terrorvision".

Moore: "Uh oh, not Buddha again".

Asahi TV: Couple short questions on the Catholic National and Foreign policies. What would you say"?

Moore: "I think we have both and they are interchangeable".

Asahi TV: "How do you think the Catholic conversion is working in Japan"?

Moore: "I guess God's on our side. Go in Peace my child".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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