(Vatican City)--- Pope Benedict XVI emerged from an all day prayer and bong session with some new instructions for Roman Catholics. The Pope decreed that the third person of the Holy Trinity will now be known as Bill. Yahweh and Jesus will keep their proper names, although Jesus's official new nickname is Jeez.
The third person of the Trinity has always been the mysterious one. He used to be called the Holy Ghost up until a few decades ago when He was renamed the Holy Spirit. The pope thought it was a good idea to update the name further and make the Holy Spirit friendlier.
"Everyone knows someone named Bill." stated the pontiff. "Guys named Bill are usually friendly and easy-going. A guy named Bill is sort of like the guy next door or your neighbor in the next cubicle at work." said the red-eyed octogenarian.
The Holy Father also said the Holy Family should be called by their modern nicknames.
"Think of them as Joe, Mare and their kid named Jeez. They are real nice people too. They're kind of like the family across the street with the pet Golden Retriever and the picket fence." said the stoned pope. "Everyone just needs to chill out a little, and not take things so seriously."