Written by Locket
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Sunday, 20 September 2009

Another nail in the coughing has been hammered into a major cigarette company by a man who attempted to commit suicide by smoking himself to death.

Mr. Havalight, 59, is to sue Balsam and Bushes for one million pounds for wrongful advertising and undue distress.

With his solicitor, Ms. Demeanor, by his side, said: "I really wanted to commit suicide for reasons I won't go into now but will become obvious during the litigation. When considering the all possibilities I had already dismissed some suicide solutions.

"Drowning was out because I can't swim, I am politically against all drugs so an overdose wasn't going to happen and my local hardware shop was out of rope so I couldn't even hang myself. I was so desperate. Then by chance I was in the local newsagents buying my monthly copy of Men Only when I noticed the signs on the cigarette packs.

"Not being a smoker myself I had not really taken much notice but in my state of mind everything seemed so obvious. Smoking Kills was quite clearly marked on the packets so I spent nearly one hundred pounds on twenty packs. Oh, and I bought a lighter.

"When I got home I smoked them all, one after the other. It took nearly four hours and what happened? Nothing only a slight cough. How can cigarette companies be allowed to blatantly advertise that smoking kills when obviously it doesn't? Hence the lawsuit."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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