Washington, DC/ Walter Reed Army Hospital/ Top Secret Medical Update - Political Pundits throughout the nation's capitol huddled in small groups and spoke in whispers discussing a top secret medical report leaked by Joe Biden, confirming what everyone long suspected: The President has ADHD!
Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) first appears in childhood, and in many cases continues unabated into adulthood with disturbing results.
More and more Politicians, on both side of the aisle, are now pointing their fingers at the former Democratic National Party (DND) Chairman, Howard Dean, and wondering how Obama got through the vetting process, with this well documented personality disorder.
A brief investigation by a 15 year old journalism student, Misty Petersen, and her 17 year old film maker boyfriend Frankie Sylvester, soon discovered the deeply hidden secret.
Posing as prospective transfer students, the duo traveled to Indonesia, New York and Cambridge, Massachusetts, and were able to talk freely with Admissions Officers at the institutions.
Through a mixture of guile and winning personalities they were able to get a glimpse of Obama's transcripts and educational files which confirmed that the President had long suffered from ADHD, an affliction that made it all but impossible to graduate from any of the schools without significant effort on his behalf by 'sponsors' that were willing to aid in his 'special education.'
Following up on their preliminary investigations they were able to track down several surviving 'educational surrogates' still living, who when questioned admitted to sitting in for the President during the many written tests he was required to take and pass.
None of the fraudulent test takers showed any remorse for their action.
"Hell," one said, " you all know how the Kennedys got through these schools,
what's the big 'Freakin' deal, are you going to turn this into a 'Racist' Thing?"
A spokesman for the Vice President said he regretted his action regarding the 'outing' of the President, but it was for the 'good of the nation'
Speaking off the record, a high ranking staff member, who was not authorized to discuss Presidential Mental Disorders said," All the symptoms were there and it was only a matter of time before the Press picked up on it and it would be too late to intervene!"
Amongst the symptoms are Poor Time Management, Indecision, Difficulty in Organizing Details, Avoidance of Tasks that need attention , Difficulty in Multi-tasking, Procrastination and a need to receive 'constant and high stimulation.'
Results of the symptoms often result in the Subject falling into the use of amphetamines and when challenged about his decision making process, often results in LYING and PREVARICATION.
Backing up the diagnosis is a long list of the President's erratic actions over the 9 short months he's been in office.
Calling it "classic" ADHD, the report highlights the Presidents inability to stay in the Oval Office and organize an answer to any of the Nation's pressing problems. His inability to manage even the simplest of tasks has led to his appointment of 43 Czars, his solution to managing complex problems.
His narcissistic inability to stay away from TV cameras, the report cites his five (5) Sunday interviews scheduled for this weekend, indicate this frantic behavior is on the verge of getting out of control.
ADHD also can lead to Dyslexia, and for the first time staffers understand why the President has all his Teleprompters loaded backwards, and the fact he can't read the bills he signs unless they are upside down and sideways.
In order to preserve the security of the country, the head of the Joint Chief of Staff, Admiral John "Salty" Calamari, has taken charge of the briefcase containing the codes to unleash the Presidents Unmanned Explosive Drones, better known in The Spoof as 'Czar Bombs'.
"It's a serious step," Calamari said, "but it's for his own good in the long run, and better for the country. We can't have him running around blowing up his this nation because he's petulant!"
The Supreme Court has been called into session and hope they can hear the case on succession if they can get a quorum. It seems that the new Justice, the Latin Evita, Sonia Sotomayor hasn't found her office yet, as she has been seen on U Tube practicing for her debut for "Dancing with the Stars" in a well known UK pub, 'The Oasis Bar & Grill' frequented by many Spoofers.
A spokesman for the Judge released a statement which said simply, "I'm sure a Latino woman would make a far better contestant than some old washed up Republican Hack!"
Former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, originally penciled in as a contestant was unavailable for comment as he was in the hospital after a recent mugging outside a Salsa Restaurant where he was knee capped and had to withdraw from the competition.