Documents relating to Barack Obama's U-turn over an anti-missile shield in central Europe reveal neighboring countries believed it would prove a massive eyesore.
Poland, Czech Republic and Germany all felt that a giant shield made out of old missiles would be a blight on the horizon and would probably not work anyway.
And nobody could agree on the height of the shield.
Chancellor Schmidt said: "The overall feeling was that the Russians would just lob their missiles over the shield and into the gardens of unsuspecting citizens.
"It would also be incredibly heavy."
The Kremlin is going ahead with plans to build a shield of its own made out of old Lada motor cars.
"It will be ready in time for the Eurovision Song Contest and will be emblazoned with a hammer and cycle, or maybe it was sickle," a party spokesman said.