Washington,DC/ Import/Export News from the Desk of the Tyre Czar - Wall Street reacted unfavorably today with the announcement that President Obama had demanded a 35% import Tariff on Chinese Tyres that had been found to have caused thousands of botulism cases amongst inner city homeless voters.
While many feared that the President's announcement signaled a tougher stance against contaminated Chinese Imports that could cause a 'trade War', Car Czar Anthony, 'Big Tony" Capistrano, in an announcement ignoring Obama's mandate, said he had just signed a $6B contract with Beijing Tyre Retread Company to supply all the tires for US military and government vehicles.
"Hey, it's just business," Anthony allowed at his offices in Detroit. "Big Government is all about give and take....me, I like Takin' the best!"
Capistrano, former UAW head and now Government Motors (GM) CEO in charge of designing, building and marketing vehicles for GM ignored repeated complaints concerning the Chinese Tyres, allegedly blamed for excessive blowouts, inability to main air pressure, tread separation and indigestion.
"The only real problem wit it," he explained, "is when the homeless pick up the separated treads along the highway and then make sandals out of the used rubber, and sell them at Flea Markets."
"Not only are they abusing copyright and patent laws, but it seems the contaminated rubber is being ingested through people's feet causing stomach distress, and along with that loose bowel syndrome. These people need to be caught and prosecuted. There's no reason, in the current Political Climate, for anyone to be out starting their own business. I tell em, stay home, collect your check and leave Big Business to us!"
An official at the Pentagon said he had been instructed to keep his mouth shut, and 'just go along with the program." Despite that he commented off the record.
"These tyres are SHIT. Everyone of them is slightly out of round and they make so much noise the rag heads can hear us coming from a mile away. The vibration inside the Hummers are so bad, it's knocked out our GPS, communications and fire control systems. It's so bad, our guys refuse to ride in them, preferring to ride behind them on used bicycles!"
Despite the massive tyre order, the Chinese Trade Minister, Wo An Yough, declared that China would no longer purchase any more US Treasury Notes. Yough claimed that the notes were less satisfying than a 10 course Chinese meal and basically worthless for hungry investors.
"I no know how you make those things," he said,"but the more we eat em, the sicker OUR economy gets...tell Merica you better change your cook, cause
your economic recipe gonna make the whole world SICK!"
Michelle Obama announced today that Martha Stewart was named to the newly formed position of Treasury Czar, and will be in charge of 'cookin' the books in the kitchen!'