Detroit, MI/ United Auto Workers Update - Government Motors, (GM), announced today a long term sales and marketing agreement with community action group ACORN to spearhead their innovative sales pitch to drive one of their cars free for 60 days, and then bring it back, no questions axed.
Anthony "Big Tony" Capistrano, former UAW head, and now Obama "Car Czar" in charge of design, production, marketing and sales for GM, announced the deal today in Detroit, where unemployment has reached 25% before they stopped counting.
"Dis is what it is, see, you people all walkin, COME ON DOWN...we puts you in a car....lets say a nice Cadillac Escalade...black of course, with them big 22" chrome wheels and the 32 speaker Bose sound system. Ya just drive it...use it for anything you want...if ya don't like it, jes bring the mother back. Ya got two more chances to try anudder...don't like the color? Bring it back, we get ya a purple one....makes no never mind!"
A reporter asked Big Tony how that could make sense, since when you drive the standard plus option $70,000 Escalade off the lot it's worth at least
"Listen, stupot, not for nuthin, listen up....the government be paying the freight...didn't ya read the fine print!"
The reporter asked how the program was going, and what they did if someone brought a car back.
"Listen," said Big Tony, relighting his $25 Venezuelan Cigar, " let me show you around my brother's reconditioning center, and explain our 100% Re certified Abused Car Program."
We proceeded to a 44,000 square foot detailing section of his brother's dealership which covered, under roof, 2.5 acres in down town Detroit. As if reading my mind, Big Tony twirled his cigar, pointing around, "all dis? Small business loan, backed by the full faith and money of the taxpayer to help entrepreneurs like my brother 'Little Anthony,' I love America!"
The detail center appeared busy. Over 32 Black Escalades, 17 Black GMC Denalis and 2 Corvettes were being cleaned up and detailed.
Approaching a mud encrusted Denali, there was a team of Detailers concentrating on the interior. In the back seat 2 men were handpicking shell casings that appeared to be 9 mm numbering at least 150.
In the rear deck, 4 detailers on their knees and with cocktail straws up both nostrils appeared to be vacuuming up a strange white powder, the procedure causing the occasional sneezing fit. The employees seemed highly motivated and detail conscious and didn't miss an inch of the pile carpet.
"See them guys," Big Tony pointed at the vacuum crew, "Dey work for minimum wage....plus tips. I'm saving the taxpayer money here, make sure you print that in your paper!"
I asked Tony what the average mileage was on the recycled cars.
"It depends," if it was just used for a Friday night drive by, probably less than 10 miles. If it took a 'family' of 20 to Mexico, if could have as much as 11,000, plus the radio, GPS and cell phone is missing. The Florida run down I 95 is a piece of cake, all hi speed highway miles....just some love bug damage to the grill and pitting on the windshield."
We checked out a stretch GMC Suburban, that was having all the seats changed out, and I asked about it.
"Oh, that one. We had 12 like that last week. Seems like a few of our aggressive salesmen in the Baltimore and Washington officers were letting them go to some slum lords who were just parking them and renting them out by the hour. Good as new...no miles on them at all...change the seats, steam clean the carpets and unscrew the condom machines and no one will know the difference!"
I asked Big Tony if he knowingly sold any cars to illegal aliens.
"Whatsa madder wit ya, Stugots! Dat's against government regulations!"
I asked him how he checked to make sure the law wasn't being violated.
"Now, dat's a different story. We just take people at der word. We ask, 'hey, Pacho, nod your head if you can read my lips...you want dis car, right?"
"Ya see, thanks to the Attorney General, we ain't allowed to ask for proof of citizen ship, or even axe if they're here illegally. Dat's the beauty of this
new Obama thing! The man must be from South Sicily ,cause of his tan, but he sure makes a hell of a Cappo!"
Little Tony approached his brother, kissed his ring, and announced happily,
"Big Bro...we're gonna have a banner month, just took an order for 105 fully loaded Escalades from Nigeria, with the export markup, we're gonna make 242% pure profit!"
Big Tony was expansive. Excessively so, grabbing his brother and me in a large bear hug he unselfishly announced, "that's a good...lunch is on me, let's go grab some pasta and home made gravy...America is on it's way back!"