Chatham,Ma/ Woods Hole Oceanographic News - In a final lifting of his middle finger to the constituents that paid his way for over 55 years, deceased Senator Edward M. Kennedy had one parting shot to ruin labor day for millions on Cape Cod.
Reports that the Senator had requested he be buried at sea, apparently have leaked out to the marine world as a pod of great white sharks have suddenly appeared off Cape Cods most popular beaches during labor day, effectively causing Massachusetts authorities to ban swimming, wading, paddle boarding, or even diving in to take a pee.
Meanwhile herds of young seals, seeming oblivious to the surrounding cruising predators, some eye witnesses said they were as big 'as a fucking Oldsmobile 88' , continued to frolic and delight shore bound tourists.
Said Chatham police chief Earl Scheider, " you can't fool these big guys, they're going to skip the appetizers and go right for the main course!"
Biologists are perplexed over the white shark arrival. "Usually they don't even cruise around here, and certainly not in this close to the beach," said Tammy Peirce, a shark expert from Woods Hole. " It must have something to do with the full moon, the extraordinary tides, and all the recent coverage over the Senator's death. Good news travels fast up here in the Northeast!"
Meanwhile enterprising vendors were doing a brisk business selling hastily printed T-shirts with Kennedy's likeness and the caption:"DON'T BITE ME BRO!" as he swam to shore surrounded by shark fins and the Chappaquiddick bridge in the background.
As one grizzled Cape Cod clammer said in summation, " Hey, man, sometimes shit happens! One day you eat the shark, the next the shark eats you. It's the American way, you know!"