Written by Morse
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Topics: Snakes, Proctology

Sunday, 6 September 2009

image for Florida Woman Arrested for Crimes Against Nature: 27 Foot Python Missing!
Have You Seen 'Bargis' Lately or Has He Crawled Into a Hole Somewhere?

Everglades City, Fl/ Peta Update - This sleepy Florida town, known best for harvesting stone crab claws, shrimp, and once having the dubious honor of having their entire population arrested for drug running, is again the center of controversy.

Florida Marine Patrol officers inundated the town, when a 27' tagged Python they had been tracking with a radio controlled device, appeared to have disappeared from the many swampy canals it had previously inhabited.

"Bargis', the snake, not the other Florida genetic freak, was a favorite of tour guides who plied the waterways in their air boats with wide eyed tourists from as far away as the Shetland Isles and Amsterdam.

Tour guide Festus 'Crawdaddy' Johnson, making his living in the swamp for the past 45 years, said 'Bargis' was a tour favorite, and always was a crowd pleaser when he rose to the surface and snatched a 100 pound pig that Festus threw in the water as a tourist sacrifice.

"it's unnatural that he's disappeared,' the bearded guide said over the roar of his V-10 Viper Powered air boat nicknamed "SNAKE" in honor of Bargis. "He'd never leave of his own accord, something is definitely wrong...since he's been gone the tourist trade is way down, except for some nutters from Amsterdam who consider Everglades City some kind of a mecca and shrine to the 60's drug culture!"

Festus said unemployment numbers have soared into the teens, despite the Obama Administrations efforts to throw money at the problem. "Some of my mates have gone back to 'the old ways', just to put food on the table,' Festus commented sadly.

Marine Patrol Officers with radio tracking devices had given up their watery search and were seen scouring the main street of the quaint town, following what they believe is Bargis' last trail.

Biologist Dr. Victor Nichols said he feels strongly that biological urges may have caused Bargis to leave the water , and travel on land looking for a mate. "September is Python mating season you know," said the be-speckled snake doctor, "and a Python in heat has no conscience....he'll try to screw anything!"

The investigation has narrowed to a ramshackle fish house at 321 Catfish Lane, home of Village Legend and fish monger Pompey Lil, a UK emigrant.

Marine Investigator Morse, said his tracking instrument 'went off the charts' when Lil appeared on her porch to take out the trash. She was wearing a large
Pant Suit, as fancied by some of this country's most famous political women, and refused to be examined further.

Lil retreated hastily back in her shack when approached by Dr. Nichols who had pulled on elbow length surgical gloves in order to perform Python Retrieval Surgery.

"Well," said Morse, "we've got our SUSPECT, we know where the VICTIM is but without the body we have no case! We'll hold Lil as a material witness for a week in the hope that Bargis will want to come out for some fresh air!"

The massive search was not a total waste however as Doc Nichols set up shop and offered free government health care service for all the local
assholes who were more than willing to bend over, as long as it was free!

As one smiling local shrimper said, " The Government finally delivered a stimulus package we can all get behind....!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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