Former child star Macauley Culkin is thought to have fathered Teddy Kennedy's secret lovechild. Following Kennedy's death it has now been revealed that Culkin donated sperm to fertilise Wanda Whoppers, a barmaid from the Hyannis Port Irish bar. Whoppers was a long term girlfriend of Kennedy's and longed to have his child.
One night Culkin was driven to Chappaquiddick to meet the pair. In what has now become known as the second Chappaquiddick incident Whoppers expertly milked semen from Culkin. Meanwhile Kennedy stood by, ready to flee if the car swerved off the bridge. Whoppers was then injected with the Home Alone stars semen, before, in a screech of tyres, they were gone.
9 months later Wanda Whoppers gave birth to an undernourished son called John Robert Edward Fitzpatrick Armalite Carcrash Kennedy Whoppers. The boy grew and attended school where he was universlly disliked.
Teddy Kennedy always found it amusing to have used the Home Alone star in such a way. All those years ago, at Chappaquiddick 1, if only he too had stayed Home Alone.