Spoof writer, Frankie the J, of West "By God" Virginia, today appealed to his fellow Spoofers for help with a problematic erection which simply refuses to subside.
"It's always upstanding. I just can't seem to get it to deflate," Frankie the J told us. Looking increasingly desperate as our conversation went on, he added: "It gets so bad sometimes that I get dizzy and have to lie down. Even then it stays as hard as a rock and makes the bedsheet look like a God damn wig-wam. It's no fun walking around all day with a totem pole in your pants. And by God it sometimes hurts."
Frankie the J's close friend and confidant, Monsignor Francois DuBois blamed his close friend's delicate condition on a treatment admininistered by a travelling quack doctor, as Frankie's viagra supply failed to ignite the desired effect. He told us:
"This quack travelling doctor, a guy named Hugo Z Hackenbush, injected Frankie's love hammer with a strange substance, with the result you've already witnessed. At first Frankie was desperate to get wood, now he just wants it to go away. But we can't track down the doctor!"
At this point, we left Frankie the J with his constantly throbbing source of dismay, and consulted with the World's Greatest Detective, Inspector Morse, who vowed to track down Hugo Z Hackenbush with due haste.
The following day, Inspector Morse called us urgently to meet at a motel on the outskirts of Jacksonville, Florida.
He had located the elusive Doctor Hackenbush.
When we confronted Hackenbush, he admitted that he was a horse doctor, but denied being a quack doctor. He admitted injecting Frankie the J's penis, and causing the constant erection.
"You must give him the antidote," we implored. "This constantly throbbing erection is driving poor old Frankie the J crazy!"
"I can't do that gentlemen. I'm sorry," Hackenbush told us.
"Why the hell not?" We challenged.
"Because there is no antidote for two of sand and one of cement."
And so Dear Reader, it appears that Frankie the J has been well and truly stiffed.
More erectile dysfunctionality as we get it.