Soft Springs, Iowa/ Financial News - In a shocking move President Barack Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner and the Federal Deposit Insurance Company (FDIC) to move in and take control of the nation's faltering mattress manufacturing industry.
Millions of taxpayers, at least those still working, had come to rely on their mattresses as the last safe haven for their life savings after bank accounts, 401ks, and stocks and bonds plunged and banks failed as Obamanomics continued its assault on Free Enterprise, and the Capitalistic System.
Manny Levine, CEO and founder of "Snooze, Inc", the nation's largest mattress manufacturing company, said the move was "nothing more than a power play by the current administration to get in bed with our customers and control how they handle their money!"
White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs said the move was an emergency measure to combat "hoarding" on behalf of American Taxpayers, "who are not doing their part to bring back the sagging economy!" Gibbs said people, as well as corporations, were holding on to a large portion of recent stimulus checks, and not putting the handouts back into the economy.
"The only people spending money," he said forcefully, " is the government! This is un american, and detrimental to this administration's long term goal of control and reshaping of the economy and our economic system."
Bennie Emanuel, one of the 5 Emanuel brothers advising Obama said," our radical changeover of the American Way will fail unless every single taxpayer goes broke! Only then can we start on an even playing field and insure that everyone shares the wealth!"
A recent poll showed conclusively that while spending on beer, lottery tickets,
cell phones, video games and skin magazines had soared in Blue States, especially in Democratic controlled inner cities, sales of durable goods had suffered as more an more citizens held onto their money as confidence in the Obama Financial Team plunged.
The House Ways and Means Committee, headed by Charles "sticky fingers" Wrangle (sic), himself a target for not declaring as well as hoarding millions in income and property transactions, put the IRS in charge of auditing 150 million Americans suspected of maintaining unauthorized mattress accounts.
"There's hundreds of millions of dollars at stake here,"said Wrangle (sic), ' for years these people never checked the box on their tax return indicating whether or not they maintained "a mattress account', a direct violation of our 6,000 page tax directive which someone has probably read, but chose to overlook."
Secretary Geithner urged everyone to withdraw their money from their mattress during this emergency, and invest it into the new US Treasuries paying 23% interest and backed with the full and complete truth and lending laws supported by the Bank of China, and insured by The United Arab Emerites.
On a minor news note, Bernie Madoff was pardoned today and exiled to Lybia where he received a hero's welcome for bringing down Israel without firing a shot. Lybia also announced it was dropping its oil embargo against the US, and resumed shipping oil at "favorable trade nation" rates of $160 a barrel.