Written by Rev. D. Sausage
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Topics: Iran, UN, email, Ban Ki-Moon

Friday, 28 August 2009

image for Ban Ki-moon "asks firmly" to speak with Iran
Ban Ki-moon's door - always open

The UN Security Council has been thrown into chaos with the revelation that UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon was "firm" in an email to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The normally reserved South Korean, who once went without a pen for two weeks because he was too scared to ask Tony Blair for his one back, is said to have communicated with Ahmadinejad without any of his trademark "pleases", "thank yous" or winking smileys.

Ban's new "firm" tone is a stark difference from his former polite attitude, though some have argued that they had seen it coming for some weeks, after several communications that could only be described as "polite but firm".

"I'm so speechless that I'm lost for words", said ex-sports commentator and now political commentator David Coleman. He went on: "We were used to tirades of purpose from previous Secretary-Generals Kofi Annan and Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali, but not Ban.

There was stern procrastination from throughout several corners of the international world, as the world leaders who had heard of Ban Ki-moon pondered what to do next.

"I think the UN General Secretary should stick to what he's good at", said French dictator Nicolas Sarkozy. "You know, taking minutes, filing, organizing meetings. He was the best at that. But this? Sacre bleu!"

TheSpoof.com can honestly say it has not hacked into Ban's email outbox, but we have had access to the last two emails he sent to the Iranian President. The contrast is a shocking surprise. In May, Ban Ki-Moon's second-to-last email went like this:

"Hi Mahmoud, How's things? :) I bet it's manic over there right now! LOL Look, I was wondering... I'm know you're really busy and all that, but do you think, you know, we could meet up, for a little chat about stuff. Please? It'd be good. We don't have to talk about anything serious if you don't want to, but, hey, why not? :o) Thanks. Anyway, hit me back, Ban."

But in his most recent email, Ban's tone had completely changed:

"Dear Mr Ahmdinejad, It is imperative that we arrange a meeting for sometime in the next few days. Please contact me with the utmost urgency, Ban Ki-moon."

The biggest fear now is that the out-of-control Korean might allow sarcasm to enter his arsenal. If he has permanently dropped smileys from the agenda, then the old carrot-and-stick equilibrum of sarky comment with a playful smiley will be lost and we could have very genuinely real mutually assured destruction.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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