WASHINGTON (TNN, FOX, PBS) A new Cabinet post is being recommended in an upcoming report from the 9/11 commission, and the idea is backed by many legislators. This new cabinet level position would oversee all U.S. spies, snoops, thugs, DEA and FTA agents and clandestine operations around the world.
However, not all are excited. Many in the cloak and dagger club felt that they must go carefully in changing the intelligence community. Acting CIA Director John McLaughlin said Sunday that a new Cabinet-level chief to oversee all U.S. intelligence agencies is unnecessary since it will make him totally redundant.
But once the idea of an intelligence czar surfaced, it was like a runaway locomotive. There was only one name on everyone's lips. A source that has read what he called the "final draft of the final report of the final final final document " said it concludes in unambiguous terms that the "only human on the face of this planet who could, and should, handle this job is Maxwell Smart." All parties agree that Smart (86 was his CONTROL name) is the only one with the experience, the know-how and the confidence of the White House to be the new czar.
"Maxwell cracks me up," said President George Bush in a statement from the Rose Garden on Sunday, "remember when Max used to beat those KAOS buffoons? By the end of the show, he'd be throwing them all in jail. That was great stuff. When Smart is officially appointed to this new position, I want to rename all of the evil-doers, al Qaeda, and Axis of Evil members. From now on they will all be called KAOS. Let's make this fun"
Smart was a career employee at CONTROL in the late 1960s where he earned the respect of everyone. Few people seem to remember that CONTROL was so secret that even the CIA didn't know about it. Smart tentatively agreed to return to action and become the new head of the U.S. spy network only if he could bring Agent 99 with him. Agent 99, who has been married to Max for over 30 years, was Maxwell Smart's long time and loyal partner, helping out -fox the KAOS Agents. The government has agreed to waive their nepotism policy in this case.
Rep. Jane Harman, the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, issued a statement Saturday saying she would welcome the creation of a such a position and that she fully supports Agent 86. Harman immediately introduced a separate Bill to support funding of "Cones of Silence" for every intelligence office around the world. "Lately, there have been way too many leaks of sexual perversities and other government secrets," said Harman, "and I remember that the Cones really worked when Max and the Chief needed privacy. Let's use the technology that's available to us"
Crackpot that he is, VP Dick Cheney quipped, "There's no one smarter that Max, would you believe that he'll find Osama? ...would you believe Jimmy Hoffa? ...would you believe......?"