Early this morning, and months before its scheduled release date, Father Christmas today surprised the world with an early release of his list of ‘who's been naughty and who's been nice'. The list, a virtual who's who in world politics and business, and is sure to have major repercussions in the United States in the days leading up to the Presidential elections on November 2.
On the naughty side, several members of the Bush administration did not escape criticism by old St. Nick. From George to Rumsfeld, to Dick and Condi, Santa released findings of misleading, torture, self-interest and arrogance. The 3000-page compilation, which is commissioned and collected by the United Elves and Reindeer Local 32, also found fault with Prime Minister Tony Blair for showing "puppet-like" tendencies. The list also finds fault with Presidential hopeful John Kerry for having the power to change things, but not the backbone.
"This is partisan politics from someone who shouldn't be involved." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was quoted as saying. "Because Santa decided to release his study months early, this is a blatant attempt at swaying public opinion before the elections." McClellan, when told that Kerry had also made the naughty list replied that, "that is no excuse for the timing and Attorney General Ashcroft will immediately begin an investigation into the finances of the Jolly One, and also look into some questionable labor practices."
Santa Claus held a press conference at his North Pole headquarters in which he replied to these allegations as, "…a spiteful attempt to discredit my good name and turn public opinion against me." He went on to say that, "My job is the same no matter who rules which country. McClellan had better watch his tongue lest he find a lump of coal under his tree this year! I don't respond to threats and unfounded accusations, and there is ample time to amend this list if I see fit Scott."
The much anticipated, multi-national and multi lingual list, is seen as a popular tool in law enforcement, and in years past has shed light on government cover-ups and covert operations. Santa has been credited with breaking the Watergate scandal that led to the resignation of former President Richard Nixon. ENRON, WorldCom, and TYCO were also mentioned in previous lists and have been the subject of much discussion around coal dust covered Christmas trees all over the world.
Some notable names to grace the "nice" list are, former President Jimmy Carter for his work with Habitat for Humanity, actor Richard Gere for his tireless work with AIDS, and Kenny Renzor who invented the "beer hat".
"Our office has an obligation to the world to release these findings without prejudice or conviction." Said chief of Elf Staff, Wally "Shortcake" Henderson. "You can't please all of the people all of the time. We will, through out the rest of the year, make the necessary changes from naughty to nice and back, and we want to say to those out there who are not very nice, ‘we see you and you are going to be very sad on Christmas morning!"