Written by Jim West (desperado)
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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Falklands War 2
Hoon: "Bomb

In a tribute to the twentieth anniversary of the Falklands War, the UK have decided to have another one. Speaking in the House of Commons today, defence minister Geoff Hoon angrily stated that the army was to bomb the islands in the following months for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

"It's been twenty long years since the terror of the Falklands," said Mr Hoon. "I intend to bring that terror back." The minister maintains that since the island's only residents were a farmer, his wife, seventeen sheep, two pigs and a goat named Gerald, no-one would really care if it was bombed anyway.

This isn't the first time that Mr Hoon has made a pointless military move. Sending in troops to Afghanistan recently was utterly useless. "Yes, the boys down in 'Stan was unnecessary as well. I think I've a talent for it," he says, proudly. "All our lads did was watch Geri Halliwell and pat the odd American soldier on the soldier. Unless it was bleeding."

"Like you say, I developed a taste for unecessary action. I loved the media attention - the un-Britishness of war means I don't get on the news that often - and the Falklands anniversary seemed like a godsend. I snapped up the chance."

Margaret Thatcher, the instigator of the original war, was advised by doctors in her ill state not to dabble in such matters, but she was insistent on commenting.

Speaking from her glass cell using a computer keyboard and a helmet with a stick on the end, the former Prime Minister said, "I fully back Geoff Hoon's move. He's a nice man, isn't he? Lovely pair of nipples. [at this point Lady Thatcher started hallucinating] Where's my orangina?! Bring it back! I want my orangina! Oh, Norman, come to me, give me turkey sandwiches at seven!!! hkljtiusfh"

Mrs Thatcher then began to dribble, which tampered with the keyboard's electrical circuits.

President Bush is quoted as saying "Falklands? That's in New Jersey, right?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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