A Warrant Officer of the US Army is always within sight of the president of the United States and he carries the "football" - the nickname for the briefcase containing the codes and orders for launching nuclear strikes.
The president, enraged at the release of the Lockerbie bomber and sickened by the revelry that greeted his return to Tripoli, has decided on a surgical strike to root out the cancer in Scottish government.
A flight of B2 bombers, armed with airburst, 2-megaton atomic bombs is loitering at high altitude over Edinburgh waiting for the final order to attack.
Meanwhile, Lord Mangelson, UK Business Secretary and Minister With Finger In Every Pie, has set up a 3-way telephone conference between, himself, the European Union HQ in Brussels and the White House.
"We must avert this attack" says the Dark Lord, enthroned on his haemerrhoid cushion "and EU law says that all imports to the UK must be CE marked and are subject to risk assessment.
It is also against the law to use Imperial Measure on UK imported goods and so we must insist that the 2-megaton weapons be replaced with 2.0363 megatonne weapons before the strike".
President Obama is believed to be reconsidering his plans and will probably include London in the attack.