GREENUP, KY - Like Humpty Dumpty, eHarmony.com has taken a big, big fall, clear from the top position in the dot com dating and hookup business, that is. And like old Humpty, ain't nothing going to put it back together again because there is a new sheriff in town eCumonme.web.
Dr. Melanie Firburger, MD, founder and CEO of eCumonme.web, is a 39-year-old psychiatrist from the University of Kentucky, as well as a registered sex therapist and surrogate. Dr. Firburger founded eCumoneme and launched the website at the stroke of midnight, Wednesday morning. By 3:00 a.m. Wednesday, 6,749,148 men and women had paid $48,204 each to take the 6969 question Perversionality Assessment, and 6,749,147 of them hooked up with a consenting adult(s).
Only one man, Monsignor Father Francois Dubois, S.J., was unable to find a suitable match, and forked over an additional $6969 for eCumonme's "Advanced Search."
Dr. Firburger promised to contact "just the right kind of person," for the good Monsignor, and immediately dispatched over-the-road truckers to pen his name and particulars on shit house stalls in interstate rest areas, truck stops, and Turkish baths, nationwide.
"eCumonme was the outgrowth of my sex therapy outreach," said Dr. Firburger who claims scores of thousands of sexually sick patients throughout the Northern Hemisphere and Great Britain.
"Without divulging any personal details such as Frankie the J's true name, Nathaniel Franklin Cranford; or that of Jalapeñoman's telephone number, 069-555-0069; or BuckWheatsButt's true identity and location, Marylou Angelina-Pitt, from Hollyhock, South Dakota; or where Madame Bitters stores her stash (inside a gray, wire-haired, stuffed doggy toy); or where on the internet to find nude photographs of Chamone, www.lookatmeifudare.web; I'd have to say that the majority of our members are writers for TheSpoof.com," she said (in one flippin breath-no shit, I saw her do it).
"We accept consenting, more or less sane, sexually repressed individuals of every stripe with the exception of rapists (because rape ain't at all fucking funny--not ever) and child molesters (because those sick fucks should be shot straight off whenever caught)," states her website's home page.
eCumoneme.web also requires ten forms of identification, a thorough background check conducted by the FBI, Homeland Security, and Interpol, plus a signed prescription from a licensed, board certified sex therapist, surrogate, or medical doctor.