Beverly Hills, Ca./Mortuary News - Jackson funeral goers were horrified today during the final preparations for the burial of the Pop Star when the body of a 225 pound black man with a large nose was found to be occupying the final resting place of the 51 year old icon.
The black man was also pronounced dead, with no known physical causes apparent, other than he had the same family physician as the late amorphous entertainer.
Jackson had been scheduled to be interred on August 29 in the Holly Terrace of the Great Mausoleum at Glendale Forest Lawn Memorial Park at approximately 10 A.M. western standard time.
Reports have surfaced that fellow residents of the park including Clark Gable, Humphrey Bogart and Jimmy Stuart were not exactly pleased that Michael would be joining them in eternal repose.
Known amongst their peers as "a man's man", a spiritual communicator indicated that the trio felt strongly that the dubious sexual orientation of Jackson would be more at home in Potter's Field, next to the Little People's Orphanage just outside San Francisco where he would not only be happy, he could be closer to his adoring fans who would assure his resting place remained as a shrine and testament for his love of children.
Meanwhile the discovery of the unidentified man in the coffin has incited a firestorm. Reverend Al Sharpton has declared the incident a "national racial outrage" committed by "right wing conservatives bent on defaming this national hero and spokesman for human and gay rights."
The question remains: where is Michael?
National investigators including Nancy Grace and Greta Van Susteran are said to be working on the case and reports are leaking out that the findings will produce a bomb shell of international consequence.
Executors of the estate say reports that they are negotiating the sale of the remains to the highest bidder are "spurious, without merit, and completely unfounded." A spokesman for on line sales at E-bay declined to be identified, but said only if the body did come up for auction the value would be greatly reduced if Jackson's nose had not been found, attached to his face, or not included in the sale as an optional accessory.
Executives at all major media networks are said to be "shitting bricks" as the burial delay will cause them untold millions in lost ad revenues at this time of economic malaise.
Keith Obermann and Chris Matthews are said to be "devastated" that they may not see air time to cover the event, and Brian Williams was shocked that his 3 hour special with President Obama discussing the burial, as well as the president putting the first shovel full of earth over the casket was now in jeopardy.
Obama has appointed John Walsh of America's Most Wanted as "Missing Remains Czar" and a full scale nationwide search is said to be underway including pictures of Michael in repose on jars of hair straightening gel on sale at all local beauty parlors around the world.
A medium contacted by Geraldo Rivera reported a brief conversation with Forest Lawn Resident W.C. Fields over a 6 Martini Seance. Fields was philosophical about the demise and the final resting place of MJ saying only," when we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."