LAREDO, Texas - United States Custom's Department Director Adobe "Chipper" Chipotle has informed Washington D.C. that one of his top drug-sniffing dogs Spot has sadly become addicted to drugs.
Spot, who is six years old has been a U.S. Custom's (Canine) Agent for four years. And in that time, he has personally been responsible for confiscating over 3 billion pounds of illegal marijuana, cocaine, heroin, dog food, fake Rolex Watches, Viagra, and even a shipment of drunken baby parrots.
The state of Texas as well as the Mexican state of Tamaulipas have each presented Spot with a 'Spot On' Drug-Sniffing Dog Honorary Hero Award.
Spot is such a fantastically efficient drug dog that the Mexican drug cartels, the Oaxacan Maracas Drug Cartel Local Numero 919 and the Lower California Cartel of Drugs and Things Ocho Cinco (85) together have put out a bounty of 500,000 pesos on Spot [$37,581.40 U.S., 3,394,155.48 Yen, Japan.]
U.S. Custom's Department Director Chipotle is somewhat confused because he said that the dog pictured in the drug cartel poster does not look anything like Spot.
Chipotle said that the dog shown on the poster is actually U.S Custom's drug-sniffing canine agent Fido #2 who was forced into an early retirement because of his part in the Laredo - Nuevo Laredo Counterfeit Kibbles 'n Bits Dog Food Scandal of 2007.
The investigation clearly showed that Fido #2 knew that the shipment of dog food which was manufactured down in the Yucatan Peninsula was illegal and Fido #2 simply chose to look the other way for whatever reason.
Four different Federal surveillance tapes clearly show Fido #2 turning his head and looking towards a Greyhound Bus when the late model chartreuse Honda Civic with a 4,000 pound shipment of illegal Kibbles 'n Bits approached the U.S. Custom's checkpoint station.
Director Chipotle said that in the 40 years that he has served as director he has never known of a Custom's dog to do such an outlandishly illegal act.
He remarked that not even "El Rover" who every now and then was known to do some quasi-stupid things like biting and flattening the tire on the Ford Escort of a Chinese couple that had a bumper sticker which read, "We like dogs - Medium rare with a side order of rice."
Another time El Rover peed on the back bumper of a Toyota Tundra truck that had two cats sitting in the back seat.
Chipotle pointed out that initially Fido #2 was actually sentenced to be put in the electric chair. But famed dog whisperer Cesar Millan emailed him saying that he would like to take him to his 'Los Perros Dog Complex Rehabilitation Center' in Tarzana, California and rehabilitate him.
Millan said that he felt that part of the problem with Fido #2 stemmed from his name. Millan said that Fido #2 is a dog, he is not a NASCAR racing car.
The world-renown dog whisperer said that all dogs, even French Poodles, who never cause problems, hate to have a number in their name. Millan says that the #2 makes them feel like they're just nothing more than a yellow pencil.
Plus Millan added that the average person does not realize it, but dogs are very intelligent animals and they know that #2 in not a name that any dog really wants to be called.
He compared it to a person being named Donnie Droppings. It is just not a name that someone would say is really a neat name.
Director Chipotle told Mr. Millan that he had received word from the President of the United States Barack Obama to go ahead and try and rehabilitate Fido #2, and that he wanted him to be renamed Sarah after you-know-who.
Chipotle told the president that Millan had said to remind him that Fido #2 is a boy dog and why would he want to give a boy dog a girl's name.
The president called Cesar and told him, "Because I be the president and as such I can pretty much do whatever I effen want to do that be why Cecil."
Millan reportedly smiled and replied, "Very well sir, Sarah it is Mr. President. And it is a berry lovely name choice, if I may say so myself. And Senor President my name is Cesar it is not Cecil, but if ju want to call me Cecil then dat is perfectly okey dokey fine with me."
"Gracias Amigo. I kinda figured as much. Oh and one more thing Carlos, please thank Mr. Chippy for the two dozen tamales he FedExed me. Michelle and the girls put them suckers away like they was M&M's."
In regards to six-year-old Spot who sadly became addicted to drugs; he was given an early medical discharge by The United States Customs Department.
The very next day he was put on eBay and he was eventually purchased by of all people billionaire Bill Gates who now keeps Spot in the backyard of his mansion in a 1900 square foot, two-story British imported dog house with central air and central heat.
SIDENOTE: Director Adobe Chipotle suggested to the president that perhaps the drugs that are confiscated at the U.S. - Mexico border could be sold to some foreign country, say like China, India, or Iceland and the millions of dollars brought into the country from the drug sale could then be placed in the Presidential Stimulus Package Fund.
President Obama loved this suggestion and he told Chipotle that he was going to give him a $3 an hour raise and a just released CD by Enrique Iglesias entitled Enrique Sings The Most Beloved Songs of Kenya in Yiddish.
The president added that he will also be taking the necessary steps to see that Chipotle is exempted from having to pay any income taxes in 2010.