After condemning Italy's National Lottery for promoting greed and love of money, the Vatican decided today to set the good example by taking steps to clean its own house.
"We have been sadly remiss", stated a highly placed Vatican spokesman today. Our error has been rooted in ignoring the Gospels and forgetting the Seven Deadly Sins. We cannot expect the nation of Italy to be better than we are.
Beginning today, the Vatican will divest itself of all its worldly goods, beginning with its priceless art collection. When that is gone, it will sell,donate or otherwise rid itself of its enormous real estate holdings, all jewelry held or used by the hierarchy, their designer duds, and their elaborate living spaces. Lastly, Vatican officials will move on to the gimcrackery hawked in Vatican shops and either give it away or destroy it.
All of the Vatican's worldly resources will be given, as ordered by the Lord, the Son of God, to the poor. This mandate, which the Vatican now acknowledges as a command rather than a suggestion, can no longer be avoided.
Thus, the Vatican spokesman summed up,"We will avoid the deadly sins of Greed, Pride, maybe Envy, and definitely Gluttony. It will be a relief to have all those, plus hypocrisy, not a deadly sin but still not good, off our collective back."
Those wishing to get in on their share of the proceeds should contact the Vatican directly. While no eligibility requirements have yet been published, it is widely assumed that Protestants, Jews, and believers in faith systems popular mostly in impoverished areas of the world don't stand a chance.