U.S. scientists monitoring glaciers in Washington State and Alaska reported this week that decades of politicians blowing hot air without producing any significant environmental legislation has finally induced a major meltdown.
A 50-year government study found that talking about the environment while not doing anything about it is melting the world's glaciers at a rapid and alarming rate. The study is the latest in a series of reports that found hot air centered around the nation's capitol is helping to drive the glacial meltdown at a faster pace than anyone had predicted just a few years ago.
Since 1959, the U.S. Geological Survey has been tracking the movements of several Washington State and Alaska glaciers in response to hot air emissions in Washington, D.C. They are considered "benchmarks" for the conditions of thousands of other glaciers elsewhere because they're in such different climate zones and varied elevations, so their retreat has put up red flags.
"Much of the hot air is being produced on Capitol Hill," said Edward Vegberger, lead researcher on the study in Tacoma, Washington. "Add to that the emissions of political comedians like Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh, and it's causing these glaciers to retreat, and retreat rapidly."
Similarly, the faith-based environmental policy of a certain Alaska governor is now believed to have also affected the rivers that emanate from these glaciers, said Vegberger. "Anchorage is at the mouth of a river that gets its water from two glacially fed lakes. When those are gone, Sarah Palin's throat is going to be mighty dry."
He indicated this could also mean an end to the river of environmental misinformation that emanates from the mouth of the Republican party's unwanted anchor, demonstrating how nature's system of checks and balances sometimes attempts to compensate for human emissions.
The rate at which a glacier melts often depends on the thick-headedness of politicians and pundits who disregard scientific evidence of global warming and, of course, on the frequency of their hot air emissions. Lies spoken often and loudly enough influence voters, affecting legislation and economic policy, which can have a significant impact on the environment, according to National Weather Service statistics.
"We use this 50-year record to determine changes in glaciers in response to environmental policy," Vegberger said. "Basically, these glaciers are wasting away. The only thing that exceeds their melt rate is the growing impatience of some environmentalists, which easily keeps pace with a glacier as it retreats far up the valley."
Conservative granola-puking tree-haters and anti-Earth pundits will likely continue to promote the glacial meltdown and, as they do, sea levels around the world should continue to rise, forcing Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter from their Florida homes and further inland, experts say.