Israeli police were today hunting for murderers that killed thousands of people in one of the worst crimes in modern history.
Police Chief Detective Uri Nazi said from Tel-Aviv: 'We are hunting the most despicable and cowardly killers in recent times. They have massacred many, including women and children, and all the evidence points towards local killers.'
'Our clues include traces of cluster bombs used against schoolchildren, and irradiated bullets fired at hospitals. We must catch these murderers in the name of basic human decency, and call for any witnesses to come forward to help us.'
Police are believed to be interviewing many suspects, and one - who we must call 'The Israeli Prime Minister' to protect his anonymity - was being held in a luxury hotel in Jerusalem for questioning, being waited on hand and foot by Arab servants. 'The 'Israeli PM' has been subjected to intense questioning by us', Detective Nazi said, 'but he refuses to talk.'
'Except to continually phone up someone we must call 'the US President', thanking him for 'also remaining silent'. And thanking him for the rocket launchers and tanks. This is one of the most baffling cases in all my years as a police officer, the murderers openly used fighter jets and outlawed chemical weapons to kill their victims, yet were so cunning that not a single person saw what happened.'
As Israelis across the Unholy Land scratched their heads in puzzlement, one West Bank settler, Mr. Amatar Snipar, said: 'It just seems incredible that in 2009 such evil murderers should do such things. We have such a peaceful civilised country here, a Western democracy where all our citizens are treated fairly and equally.'
'For such shameful outrages to take place is beyond belief, no wonder - oh, excuse me', and he paused to shoot dead a Palestinian child in the distance with his Armalite rifle for throwing a stone at him, 'where was I? Oh yes, no wonder the world is shocked at such sickening murders. I hope the culprits are tracked down and punished most severely with a fate worse than death. Yes, having me as a neighbor.'
As police continued their investigations, they received a telephone call from a pay phone. 'The people you are looking for are not in Israel', a muffled voice said, 'they use Israelis as a front. You must look westwards, where the charlatans peddle death and arms sales in the name of peace and democracy.'
'Yea, verily, 'tis none other than those vile purveyors of destruction and massacres of children in the name of 'roadmaps to peace'. I say to thee, for I hath -', and hanging up before it all got too Biblical, Detective Nazi said to his secretary: 'Miss Cohen, I thought I asked you to stop putting through these crank calls from religious maniacs. I'm off for an early lunch, maybe it will give me some inspiration, I simply have no idea who the killers can be.'
At the opening of the Israeli Stock Exchange in Tel-Aviv shares in Hypokritia Industries rose quickly at the news, as did US-Isr-Cheney Inc, although futures in the Palestinian Real Estate Company fell again. As did the life expectancy of Palestinian children living in the state of Israel.
More news stories about a few Israeli deaths but conveniently forgetting about the thousands murdered by the IDF as soon as news stations around the world receive their bribes.