Written by Agatha Bloom
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Topics: War, UN, weapons, Palestine,

Sunday, 2 August 2009

image for Palestine to United Nations: "Did You Get That Thing I Sent You"?
Scouring the countryside for arsenal staples

Palestinian leaders announced Friday their disappointment in the United Nations' unanimous decision to abandon the program it had established to trade food and medicine with the rogue state in exchange for disarmament. The decision was reached upon receipt by the UN of a package containing rocks, y-shaped tree branches, and rubber bands.

"We had perhaps expected some sort of negotiations with regard to the formal surrender of Palestine's weapon arsenal," The Secretary General stated. "In no way did we expect to find this large box of junk unceremoniously dumped on our doorstep by Arab Express."

"We thought everything had been going really well," said Rajesh Kumanishar, coordinator of Rogue Social Programs for East Palestine. "The UN called our weapons "archaic". Really now? They ought to show some respect for the rich history of Palestinian weaponry. What, it's good enough for David to take on Goliath but not to trade for some dried potato flakes? Come on. If we had known they'd turn out to be so wishy-washy we would have kept the famous boulder from Al Bireh City for ourselves. Do you have any idea what it cost to mail that thing? The postage on their Hamburger Helper doesn't even compare".

He went on to describe the overwhelming indignity of having the boulder returned postage due. "You cannot believe how embarrasing that was. What am I supposed to pay that with? Do they think we're made of money? Look at us. I'm just happy that our local post office accepts goats as currency or we'd really be in trouble."

The UN's Secretary General refused to comment on Kumanishar's complaints, stating that he "has better things to do than worry about how many pointy sticks equal how many boxes of Easy Mac." He did go so far as to declare, however, that the UN is in no way responsible for the postage due on the aforementioned crate. "We didn't sign for the package, it was just left on our stoop. If Mr Kumanishar has a problem with the postage he should speak to Arab Express about their policies, not us. Perhaps if he had tasked one of his vaunted battle mules with delivering his garbage, he could have both saved on the postage *and* delivered one of his "highest tier" weapons."

As of this writing, the future of Rogue Social Programs remains unclear. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Kumanishar believes the UN is merely playing hard-to-get. "We have a crack team of geologists scouring the desert for bigger, more powerful boulders. By the time we're through, we're going to have the most intimidating arsenal this side of Israel! The UN will have no choice BUT to deal with us. And when they do, the joke will finally be on them- we'll have the most destructive boulder of all, but no one will be able to lift it."

Co-written with Jerry K. Trout

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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