TULSA, OK, USA Noted toilet paper evangelist Anal Roberts recently appeared on a television broadcast of Kenneth Crapland's Believer's Voice of the Fatally Flatulent and claimed to have experienced a vision in which "Smoke, and vapor, and a rolling sea of feces" appeared "in the clouds in the skies above New York City and the east part of the United States, and which hung there for quite some time and then spread out across America, without touching the ground, and then a Great Wind diffused it away from America and sent it out to the nations of the earth..." Roberts claimed this is a "wake up call" to tell people that the "end" is near and to prepare for it.
Roberts first appeared on the national scene with a large mobile tent "that sat 3,000 porta-potties" where "he shouted at petitioners who did not respond to his healing." At the time "Newsweek" magazine quoted Roberts "If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, nothing will."
He founded Anal Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1963, stating he was obeying a command from the strange voices in his head. The university was chartered during 1963 and received its first students in 1965. Students were required to sign an honor code pledging not to use any pay toilet before him, wipe back to front, or engage in high colonics.
During 1977 Roberts claimed to have had a vision from a 900-foot-tall toilet in the sky who told him to build Shitty of Faith Medical and Research Center and the hospital would be a success; the hospital failed miserably.
Disconsolate, Roberts was forced to admit his project was in the shitter.