WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Now that the CIA has admitted it never really did its job, the agency will be selling to the public all of its properties in a giant yardsale on the White House lawn soon.
"In order to build a new CIA," said agency spokesman D. Lori Small, "we have to blow the stink off of every chair, desk and file cabinet. So, we are going to sell everything and start anew."
It is something that the Bush administration wants to do now because "there are a few bucks to be made here and that could help the deficit," said an assistant from VP Dick Cheney's office. "The Vice President feels that most stuff should be sold with price tags but an auction could bring big dollars for other things."
Other things include J. Edgar Hoover's personal items from a live-in space he maintained at the agency. "Lots of people think that Hoover had nothing to do with the CIA, but that all changed when the CIA revealed it was a do-nothing agency for decades," said Small. "Hoover used to stay here for weeks with his transvestite friends and have tea parties and bridge parties and all sorts of old-women type gatherings. All the while the Presidents in office thought the CIA was gathering intelligence."
An auction would also include items from the tenure of George H. Bush, who ran the agency for a while and was actually fooled into thinking it was functioning. He had many personal items left there, which he is donating to the auction.
"Why not?" said Bush. "My Presidential library won't accept the items I left at my CIA office. But collector mongrels will love that stuff. Like my old combs, some empty wallets, shoes, a Snoopy looseleaf and my bottlecap collection."
The monies collected from the sale and the auction will go to the Federal deficit, said the Cheney office, and then new monies will be asked for from Congress to build an intelligence agency that actually collects secret information and helps the executive branch make important decisions.