(Newsdesk, San Fagcisco, California) Local champion Thomas Craig is nervous about his competition this week as he contends for a world title. "When I look at the other men, it just makes me so twittery and spastic," said Craig. "I just hope that my skills can measure up to theirs."
Thomas Craig said that he is no relation to Roger Craig, who used to play for the San Fagcisco 69'ers. "I've never even met him, but I've got a tight end that would love to catch his passes, if you know what I mean!"
Thomas will be competing this week at the 43rd annual World Fudge Packing Championships at the Harvey Milk Memorial Auditorium in the Greater San Fagcisco Area Convention Center.
"Men from all over the world will be here. Big, butch men in leather...oh, it just makes me all flustered and hot and bothered just to think about them!"
"To make matters worse, I am not just in competition, but I also have to represent the host city and defend our honor." (Note: the last twelve world champion fudge packers have all come from San Fagcisco).
"I'm lucky that this year I am doing a duel sponsorship for both Vaseline and KY Jelly. I like to apply both of these lubricants liberally when I pack the fudge."
When ask if he would be the giver or receiver in the competition, Mr. Craig said "Oh, I always prefer to be on the receiving end. This year, I'm taking it from a famous gay Harvard professor who has been in the news and will be dressed as the cop from The Village People. He don't take shit off of nobody and he and I are tight in more ways than one."
When told that Bargis Tryhol, the Man with the World's Biggest Penis, was rumored to be one of this year's celebrity judges, Craig, a redhead, said "well, he can play with my ginger steel any time he wants to, and I've got 20+ feet of intestines and colon that can swallow him all up!"
"The only thing that could be possibly better would be to take it from one of my other male heroes: Barack Obama, Tom Hanks, or Oprah Winfrey."
The competition starts today. This publication wishes all of the competitors the best of luck.