San Francisco, Ca. / Rolling Stone - Just when medical authorities thought they had the AIDS epidemic under control in this liberal bastion of vegetarian recyclers and 40 something confused virgin dogmatic loners, the social disease has reared it's ugly head yet again!
This time medical detectives,most from India and Pakistan, and funded by the World Bank, have isolated it to the abusive sexual use of cucumbers purchased in local farmer's markets, and then employed, without peeling, by frustrated virgin liberal "thinkers" as they continue to "get off on themselves" while practicing what they think is "safe mind fucking."
"It's truly a bisexual thing," said Doctor Panjab Maru, professor of Free Thinking at the University of Texas, Denton, "with the complete absence of a decent sized healthy Dick (Penis to you, Chamone) in San Francisco, members of both sexes, have gone back to their roots, so to speak, to achieve physical and mental satisfaction practicing, what they thought was safe vegetarian sex!"
"It's a Supply and Demand thing, " echoed Spoof Economist Professor Buck E. Wheat, " when you can't find Dick, let alone your own ass with two hands, you're apt to pay more...especially when you're hard up and living without a partner 'cause no one can stand listening to your preaching all fucking day and night! And inflation...that's just buying the biggest cuke you can find to shove up your ass while you're jerking off to a picture of Bill Clinton!"
Members of the medical community have been trying to get the word out, that uncircumcised cucumbers used in sexual gratification, increase the AIDS risk by 39%, especially when using imported Zulu Cucumbers.
Even Rachel Ray on the food channel has urged her listeners, not only in San Francisco, but throughout California, and especially in Massachusetts, to perform a simple Bris on any cucumber over 3 inches purchased in a Non Government regulated Farmer's Market.
Said New Mexico nutritionist Hal A. Peno, "sometimes these liberals just want to bite off more than they can chew!"
Meanwhile, the lines at free clinics through out California are backed up with hundreds of same thinking vegetarian libertarians with similar symptoms:
Boils on their Ass, Blistered Tongues, lowered immune systems, constipation of the brain while suffering verbal diarrhea on the Forum.
Meanwhile, back in the real world, people are reasserting their preference for Vidalia Onions for a more balanced diet, flavor, and a veggie much easier to digest than California Fruits or Nuts.