McDonalds Corporation has officially announced today its successful hostile takeover of the Roman Catholic Church and affiliated organisations. McDonalds now has exclusive rights to the Pope and the Vatican, whilst other Christian denominations, and indeed other world religions, fear a McDonalds spiritual monopoly with the Chicken McNuggets as the new rosary beads and the Big Mac the new Virgin Mary.
The wider ramifications for Roman Catholicism are still unclear, but wholesale alterations to the religious fabric are expected. Following the death of Pope John Paul II at the hands of Ronald McDonald's arch enemy the McBurglar, the Corporation's figurehead has been ordained 'Pope Ronald McDonald III'. McDonalds has publicly stated that the new Holy McFather will stand for world peace, idealistic realism and, in keeping with his predecessors, quite possibly corruption and worldliness. He may even perform the odd McMiracle ®.
Scholars are already busy rewriting the McBible, with particular emphasis reportedly being placed on Ronald McDonald I's death on the cross and the Last Supper where Ronald and his apostles feasted on Big Mac Meals, perhaps washing their tasty burgers down with super-sized Diet Cokes. Holy McMass is set to be altered accordingly, and for the first time McDonalds burgers, known for their high content of human flesh and excrement, might actually live up to their name as ‘the body and blood, and other stuff' of Holy McDonald.
The McPapacy and its new McPope are also reputedly on the verge of reintroducing Papal Indulgences, appropriately labelled ‘Happy Deals', which will provide remission of the temporal punishment due to sin in 'Burgatory'. Every sinner will be able to purchase Happy Deals specific to their sin from all McDonalds restaurants for a modest price: "when the coin in the copper rings, the Soul from Burgatory springs", it is alleged.
Concomitantly, a new papal decree defines ‘sinning' as not eating at McDonalds every day ("honour thy McDonalds"), criticising McDonalds in any way ("thy shalt not take the name of McDonalds in vain"), or eating in another fast-food establishment ("thy shalt not commit adultery"). The latter sin, exemplified by those who choose to eat in the lands of the Burger King, is condemned as heresy. The Holy Father McDonald III has already stated that failure to recant will see heretics cast into the flame-grilled fires of McHell, and McExcommunication is a tangible threat.
McDonalds, however, will have to overcome stiff evangelical opposition if it is to survive, with signs of schism gradually emerging. King Frederick of Burger has already likened the McPapacy to the antichrist, whilst a humble German Monk, known only as 'Wendy', has posted his "95 Theses why the McPope is a McPoo-poohead" on a parish church door in Wurttemberg in confused riposte. Pope McDonald III, spurred on by the Old Testament proverb, "a McApple pie for a McApple pie…", has retaliated by issuing his first papal bull ‘Exsurge Domine' accusing the Burger King of heresy, ordering him to recant his chain of fast-food restaurants and calling upon the Holy Roman Emperor George Bush to decide whether to enforce Ban of Empire on the heretical miscreant.
- McBURGLAR, Robbert
- BURGER, King Frederick
- LUTHER, Wendy
A.K.A: "The Burger Bandit"
Criminal No: 9586
Profession: Burger thief
Crime(s) committed: Theft. Bestiality.
A.K.A: "The Burger King"
Criminal No: 6666
Profession: King of Burger
Crime(s) committed: Heresy, Using Beef in his Burgers
A.K.A: "Wendy Whoppers"
Criminal No: 0101
Profession: Augustinian Monk, Philosopher, Porn Star
Crime(s) committed: Treason. Heresy. Bestiality.