Pope Benedict resigned as Supreme Pontiff over one-billion Roman Catholics citing his desire to wed his long time valet, Augustus Longdongo. Vatican officials are in shock over the Pope's Sunday morning decision to resign. Papal Secretary of State Don Cardinal Conklin spoke with me stating, "His Holiness suffered greatly during His celibacy. I guess being celibate-and straight-was just too much for Him."
The text of the Pope's resignation letter reads:
"We quit. We want to get laid before We die. Hell, the last piece of ass We had was when Our finger went through the toilet paper."
The Pope's decision to enter into a same sex marriage is seen by many to be the beginning of the end of forced celibacy among priests, monks and nuns. Jesuit priest Hal Head heads up a group of former priests and nuns who made similar decisions to marry. "I'm very happy the Pope has decided to lead from the front in this issue," he said. "There are too many back door men among us," he concluded.
Rank and file Catholics are uncertain how the Pope's resignation will affect local congregations, but many are certain the change was long overdue. Bill Phaser, chief of the Marmet, West Virginia Knights of Columbus group, told me, "Priests are real men, just like us. It's high time for all men to be real men, and altar boys to be terrified."