The World Penis Festival ended toady with the winner of the prized 'Golden Shaft' being won by an ugly, fucking bastard.
Markus Lowtonicus, from number 21 Sycamore Grove, Lancashire is regarded as a pig-ugly, minger of a man but that didn't stop him being presented with the trophy for most perfect penis on the day.
"We judge the male genitals on many criteria and Markus fitted them all perfectly - despite, of course, looking like the back end of a bus and smelling like my grandfathers colostomy bag", said one jury member.
Markus is hoping that his prize will help him find a girlfriend and encourage his mother to love him again. She abandoned him on a doorstep many years ago after being taken aback by his hideousness and the shit contained in his nappy.
"My mum is out there somewhere and I know she would be proud to have a son with a perfect dick - just like any mother would. If you're reading this, mum, please come home. It wasn't your fault I was born with a face like dried shite. It was dad, I know", he pleaded.