Written by Tess Tickles
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Wednesday, 15 July 2009

image for Mary Poppins Wanted For Drug Dealing.
Bert got caught in a drainpipe but Poppins managed to escape and is considered armed and dangerous.

Police have confirmed that an arrest warrant has been issued for one 'Mary Poppins' in relation to the dealing of illegal, nonprescription drugs to minors.

"We've been after her for a while", stated Officer C.O. Rupt, head of operation Spit Spot. "She usually goes by the name of Mary Poppins but she has other aliases such as Julie Andrews, Julie Van Dyke and Bill Cosby."

Poppins, is alleged to have hired herself out as a nanny to many upper-class English families, only to turn their children into wild-eyed, perspiring coke-head addicts desperate for a fix of 'a spoonful of sugar'.

"She deals in everything. Hash, Heroin, X, Meth, Prozac, Aspirin, Viagra, Olive oil tablets...she's a big fish in the market and nobody's safe" says Ruppt, who also revealed that Poppins is the grand dame of a notorious brothel in Brooklyn.

One angry parent, a Mr. Banks, says Poppins has left his children, Jane and Michael, 'whacked out of their minds'.

"They're telling me of floating tea parties in the sky and a bottomless fucking carpetbag! They're fucking spaced! I want that bitch caught! Down with the dealers!"

"I understand Mr. Banks' anger but it's a seedy operation and it'll take a hell of an effort to bring it down", rejoins Detective Bent. "Her main accomplice Bert isn't talking and even if he did, I wouldn't trust him-he's an all-round conman; one minute he's a pavement artist; the next, a bleedin' chimney sweep. He's been in and out of prison his entire life. The definition of an ex-con. Instead, we're staking out Poppins' usual hang-outs -playgrounds, umbrella shops and curiously, Broadway. We're doing everything we can."

Adding:

"In the most delightful way!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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