Australia: A group of rare Penguins are being trained in armed and unarmed combat. Initially the plan was for them to be able to defend themselves. However, the Australians have now seen the opportunity to develop the scheme further. Bruce Phillpot of Wgga Wagga said "These little fellas are lethal. They love the old karate shit. And put a knife in their flippers and they are silent but deadly. My cousin Dick in England has got two penises you know."
The Penguins are expected to enlist in the Australian armed forces. There is expected to be a special ceremony attended by the Queen. However, Prince Phillip is to be kept away as he may start to shoot the birds.
One of the Penguins, Percy, said "At first we thought it was a load of shit, but gradually we got into it. The violence, the gore. It's just so liberating. These animal rights campaigners know shit. We are having a great time. If only Bruce wouldn't keep mentioning his cousin with the two knobs."
The final word goes to Bruce Phillpot. "Mate, there is nothing more dangerous than a penguin with a knife".