Jesus Christ has had second thoughts about his long awaited Judgement Day return and now insists that it would be far better if he just stays away instead.
The legendary crucified saviour of mankind said that he had been mulling over the idea for the past two millennia and, in consultation with his family and friends, has decided against his glorious return to Earth.
Some say that he was put off by his previous experience down here. Not only was he abused, tortured and eventually nailed to a cross, but also he was placed here in the shittiest time possible in a God-forsaken part of the World.
Many scholars believe that God should have waited until at least the late 1980's to send his sacred son down here where he would have the chance of some decent clothes, food and living conditions - possibly even a nice car and the chance of a foreign holiday every now and then too.
"If only he had been given a better welcome the first time and not murdered then maybe he would reconsider", said the Pope.