Written by Asheville Jack
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Saturday, 11 July 2009

Miami Fl. - Many a northerner has retired to the warm sandy beaches of Miami, seeking peace and perhaps another chance at love and romance in their golden years. Such is the story of Gwendolyn Spitfire who opted for the easy way of life and the mild winters of South Miami. A former resident of Hackensack New Jersey, Mrs. Spitfire lost her husband in a tragic meat grinding accident when he slipped while making Italian sausage at their family owned kosher deli.

Since moving to Florida twelve year ago Gwendolyn tried her hand at a myriad of activities in a failed attempt to meet eligible men. She even tried the two biggest 'sports' of men her age, shuffleboard and metal detecting on the beach in front of her avocado colored condo. All she received for her troubles was a bad case of sunburn and thirty-seven cents in change.

And so it was that on Christmas day in 2001 that Mrs. Spitfire bought herself a pet Boa Constrictor, which she promptly named Charlie in honor of her dear departed husband. And for the last eight years Gwendolyn and Charlie made quite the scene, and were quite the couple in South Miami. Everywhere that Gwendolyn went Charlie went also, slithering behind her through supermarkets, dry cleaners and the local bank.

But just as Gwendolyn longed for love, it now appears that Charlie did too. Yesterday Gwendolyn discovered Charlie entangled around the vacuum clearer hose, which she had temporarily left in the spare bedroom where Charlie stayed. Miami Zoo officials suggest Charlie probably mistook the hose for a female Boa, and wrapped himself around the hose so tightly that he ended up strangling himself in the process.

Mrs. Spitfire, obviously still heart broken over the death, says she will need time to unwind and has no plans to replace "Charlie" any time soon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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