Friday evening, on the eve of the Fifth Annual Spoof Magazine Writer's Picnic (the first in Texas), police officers were sent to the home of Madeline (Madame) Bitters to break up a domestic disturbance. Investigating officers at the scene report that the residence was filled with female spoof writers from the site who were having a Slumber Party/Pajama Party.
Statements from some of the party attendees are as follows:
Gail Farelly: "I still don't know why they invited me. I don't know these people, except maybe Queen Mudder and Carina a little bit. It's not like I do that much writing any more for the site. I was just here because I wanted to find out which of the guys insulted my sister (they called her a "Munner" or something like that) so that I could kick his ass tomorrow."
Carina Eta: "I did not start the fight. Even though I smoke, I did not start the fire. Yes, that is a spinning halo around my head."
Officer Harrison: "There had been a fire, but we later found out that it was just the 83 birthday candles on Mrs. Skoob's birthday cake. The melted wax everywhere, of course, made us think that torture was going on (or that they were all giving each other Brazilian Wax jobs)."
Madeline (Madame) Bitters: "I think everything got out of hand when Allison (Ally) Chamone found out the male writers were not going to do a panty raid. She started whining that she had worn her new, white, lacy, see-through stuff just for them. Queen Mudder asked if her training bra size was still bigger than her IQ, and the fur started to fly."
Queen Mudder: "Yeah, the little girl got mad when she though that I insulted her intelligence and her tits. When I told her that she resembled the remark, she really lost it and started throwing cake decorating supplies at me. When one of her throws knocked my judicial English wig from my head, I knew that it was time to rumble!"
Allison (Ally) Chamone: "If my sister Rachel had been there, we could have tag teamed and whipped her ass. As it was, I was stuck with pastry bags for weapons against an old fat woman. I threw the cake first and I'm sorry it set the curtains on fire, but she insulted me!"
Gail: "I saw QM hold her down and take one of the frosting spreaders to Ally's tits. She told her, I'm giving you pastry pasties, you naked little whore! Carina and I went to pull them apart, but we tripped over Mrs. Skoob (who was already passed out drunk on the floor)."
Bitters: "I saw them using my cake decorating supplies in a kind of a food fight, and knew that I had to take them away. I threw the punchbowl at the curtains to put out the fire. That broke the bowl and sent glass everywhere. When I ran to the group, I slipped on some butter cream frosting and fell on top of them."
Carina: "While we were trying to separate QM and Ally, we all got cut by the glass form the punchbowl. Combine the blood with the red frosting and it probably looked pretty gruesome.:
Officer Harrison: "When we arrived on the scene, we found six bloody women on the floor in what appeared to be a free for all fight. All of them were in their underwear or nightwear, and all of it was torn. It was dangerous but highly erotic, almost like mud wrestling."
Officer Flores: "We also found a white, powdery substance all over the home. We followed procedure and begin searching the dwelling. Lab results later confirmed that the substance was a mixture of cake flour and powdered sugar, but we did not know that at the time."
Officer Harrison: "In one of the bedrooms, in a pink Hannah Montana suitcase, we found a pair of Hello Kitty panties, along with a pair of Little Mermaid panties. As there was no other children's clothing present, we assumed that one of these women was a child molestor and icluded that in our charges to all until we could sort everything out. We're keeping the underwear as evidence."
Carina: "I tried to light a cigarette to study my nerves, but this cop tackled me as I reached into my purse. I think that he thought I had a gun or something."
Officer Flores: "One of the women reached into her purse and pulled out what I thought was a gun. It was later revealed to be a gun shaped cigarette lighter."
Queen Mudder: "I told them that I was an officer of the court, and that it was not going to go well with them if they tried to hold me or prosecute me. They ignored this and assaulted me, so I am pressing charges against them."
Officer Harrison: "The old biddy in the torn flannel nightie kept screaming that she was going to sue and that she was a bannister or something. To shut her up, we cuffed her and gagged her."
Ally: "The nerve of those cops! While they sent everyone else off to a regular jail, they called for a special vehicle and took me to Juvie! I'm 19! Really! And they also confiscated my favorite panties!"
When asked for his comments on having five of his writers (and one spouse) arrested for disorderly conduct and domestic violence, Spoof Editor Mark Lowton replied "I wish we'd have been there. It was probably more fun than the titty bar full of fat or flat chested old women that the guys and I went to."
"When I told Skoob, Buck, J-Man, Earl, Nick, and the others about it, they all volunteered to lick the frosting off of the ladies."
The next day, when the women were bailed out and arrived at the party, they were given a standing ovation and awarded 250,000 points each (even Mrs. Skoob) for providing free publicity to the site.