Written by Ilona Ronay
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Topics: London, Scientists

Thursday, 8 July 2004

image for Atlantic Ocean Vanishes; Americans Prepare to Drive to Europe
Now You See It, Now You Don't

London, UK, and New York, NY--There is no more water in the Atlantic Ocean, and scientists are calling this spontaneous example of draining "the Bathtub Syndrome."

"You know when you have a clogged bathtub?" asked one prominent scientist. "You know how you get all these clumps of hair and soap in the drain and the water just won''t go down? You have to throw more and more toxic chemicals down the drain until it finally opens up. Then--whoosh--the water is gone."

Scientists are convinced that this is what happened to the Atlantic Ocean. "We always assumed it didn't have a plug and a drain," said one, "but apparently it does, and all the toxic chemicals ate the plug away."

Scientists believe the water made it way to the Pacific Ocean, which is now several thousand feet above flood level.

Many major airlines were thrown into immediate bankruptcy as individuals seeking to travel between the United States and Europe gassed up their SUVs and descended upon AAA for Trip-Tiks.

"The terrain on the ocean floor should be fabulous for all-wheel drive," enthused several Americans. "We'll just pack a lot of food, wear adult diapers, and carry our own gas until the roads down there get some amenities." Sales of SUVs have shot up in Europe, too, as Europeans realize that the ocean floor cannot be traversed in a MIni-Cooper.

Amtrak has asked the federal government for a subsidy to establish rail service between London and New York.

Scientists are urging people not to make assumptions about the oceans and to hold off on travel plains until the drain in the Pacific Ocean is located and its integrity tested.. "Sure, the Atlantic Ocean is empty now," said one scientist, "but if the Pacific Ocean suddenly drains, all the water might slosh between the two oceans. Do you know what that would do to the leather seats in a Hummer?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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