Beijing, China - Chinese-based internet hackers have cornered the market on tickets to the Staples Center Jackson Memorial show and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
This is the message given the media from the Los Angeles police.
Although representatives of the Jackson Memorial had specifically limited the ticket lottery to U.S. residents, it seems a design flaw in the software has permitted Chinese hackers to snap up all the tickets, leaving American fans high and dry or out in the cold, whichever well-worn cliche one prefers to use.
Said one source, "What happens next is anyone's guess. I would be surprised if these hackers would be able to use these tickets, after all, how do you distribute 20,000 tickets in China between now and Tuesday."
However ominous signs are starting to appear on the horizon.
One tour company representative stated that, within 1/2 hour of the lottery being made available, thousands of hotel rooms were being snapped up by people from China.
One Chinese customer, frustrated by not being able to book a room at a 5 star hotel, decided to buy the hotel outright. After completing the purchase, he cancelled all upcoming bookings to the hotel and kicked out all the current tenants. Once that was done, he established his own booking system and quickly filled all the rooms for Tuesdays memorial - all with Chinese clients.
Finally, Los Angeles Airport reported that about fifty flight plans were filed by China-based charter air carriers, over and above what they would normally expect for the time period. Air traffic control predicts tremendously crowded skies leading to potentially dangerous consequences. The Air Force has been put on alert and, should any of these planes get out of line, have been told to shoot to disable.
Locals have been told to expect traffic jams on the streets, delays in transit, and long lineups at oriental restaurants. Food shortages are expected. No word yet if food rationing will take place.
While civic officials work to undermine the whole scheme and get the tickets back to the rightful owners - the American public, several Bhuddist monks have been found lighting themselves on fire in public squares in protest.
Many of the monks have been heard screaming, "We want the tickets," as their incendiary bodies burn rapidly in the Santa Ana winds.
Hundreds of high profile celebrities have been seen packing up their Mercedes Benz SUV's and heading for the hills, which is fine by TMZ as they haven't covered any other celebrities since the Michael Jackson story broke.
Perhaps the most telling story, however, is that of Emmanuel Lewis, former pint-sized BFF of Michael Jackson. Having been unable to secure a ticket to the memorial, he has been seen taking his frustration out on several females, kicking them in the shins with his tiny feet and then running away screaming 'Hallelujah'. Neither TMZ or the Los Angeles police have responded although Quincy Jones has been seen chasing him around a mall parking lot with a fairly large butterfly net.