The Vatican. He used to oversee the giant company that produced American icon cars such as Chevrolet, Pontiac, Cadillac and GMC trucks, but ousted General Motors chief Rick Waggoner will now be the spiritual leader of the world's 1.3 billion Catholics. The Vatican used a low key approach to make the announcement, placing the story on page 34 of the official Vatican newspaper "Il Grade Papa." The AP's Summer Intern Italian Translator, Courtney Berlitz, says the title of the paper can be loosely translated as, " Where is the laundry, I need cheese for my sparkplug." Berlitz has held the position for three days and admitted this is a rough tranlation, the kind tourists use.
Hastily confirming the decision, a Vatican spokesman who asked not to be named, said, " We need a successful, dynamic leader with unparalled vision to take the church into 2010 and beyond. Pope Benedict is so 2009. The ex-Pope is reportedly seeking political asylum in Myanmar, a nation he was attempting to court. The ousted prelate told the AP, "Myanmar is a great nation that deserves a much better reputation. I think my presence there will do that. I may even become a Buddhist, I love the color gold. He added "Look, I'm German and I love guns. I understand they'll let me carry automatic weapons. Oh, goody, goody. I was sick and tired of the silly clothes the Vatican made we wear, although I'll miss my red shoes. I'm a Tommy Bahama kind of guy. Early in my Papacy I grew weary of all those balcony appearances in St. Peter's square, waving my arms and those private audience. Oy, what a bore meeting with the idiots of the world. I soon hired body doubles to perform those menial chores."
Myanmar is considered one of the most oppressive nations in the world. "Overblown drivel," said Benedict "and remember I'm German." We love peace and order. Myanmar trains also run on time and that was a real decisionmaker for me."
On Friday the Conclave of Bishops made the unprecedented decision to send Benedict packing. The installation of "Pope Ricky" is scheduled for July 15 to coincide with the celebration of St. Motive, the patron saint of vehicles of all kinds. The Catholic Church has a celebration of a Saint every day, including October 23, to praise St. Pocket Lint & Fuzz.
When asked why Waggoner was selected after being blamed for ruining the auto giant, a Conclave source said, "Everything can be forgiven my son."
Reached in Grosse Point Michigan, Waggoner's home, he said, "We'll change the Church from top to bottom. Hey, they are in financial hot water. My first task will be to liquidate all those churches around the world. Who needs them? Parishioners can meet in private homes, that's all they need. And that painting in the dome of the Sistine chapel, Christies Auction House has already shown a key interest. Selling it will raise a ton of much needed cash. I'll replace that gaudy monstrosity with a simple plain whitewash. It's more Godly and humble."
Asked if he'll be wearing the traditional Papal Garb, he quickly answered, "Hell no. I love my Armani suits but think that Miter thing is kind of cute.I will wear the red slippers. I've loved red slippers since I was a kid."
Waggoner stressed this will be a "Green Papacy." We won't be doing the white smoke, black smoke thing when the decision is made final. We have to make a firm stance that the Church is one hundred percent behind stopping Global Warming. Former Vice President Al Gore sent Waggoner a fruit basket after his announcement.
The Following Associated Spoof News summer interns also contributed to this story: Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Corky Couric, Taco Rivera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams
By Howard Cronkite Jr., The Spoof News Summer Intern Vatican Reporter.